Business success based on crossing your arms

THE secret to being successful in business is posing for photographs with your arms crossed, it has been confirmed.

Innovation, persistence and hard work have proved to be less vital than folding your arms and staring smugly but resolutely at a camera.

Self-made millionaire Denys Finch-Hatton, who was the first person to realise you could rent limousines to scum, said: “No matter how much money I made, nobody seemed to respect me.

“Then, one day, I caught myself in the mirror and saw my arms dangling uselessly at my sides like the trailing fronds of a jellyfish.

“Slowly, I picked up my right arm and placed it over my left and a glow of cocksure self-satisfaction suffused through me.

“No longer did I look lost or confused. My facial expression said ‘Look at me, proles. I could buy and sell your bottom-feeding life on a whim.’

“’And you know why? Because, unlike you, I know what to do with my arms.’”

Francesca Johnson, a failed entrepreneur, said: “I couldn’t fold my arms convincingly. I looked like I was frantically scratching my lice-infested armpits.

“Frustrated beyond belief I gave up, telling myself that a head for figures and a sensible approach to risk was more important anyway.

“Within a month all my businesses went into liquidation and I now work the night shift in a fish-gutting plant.

“It’s all in the arms.”

 

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US celebrates victory over aliens

THE USA is paying tribute to Will Smith and the heroes who fought back the alien invasion of 1996.

The conflict, which destroyed Washington DC and killed thousands of innocent people, was one of the most dramatic but ultimately forgettable 145 minutes in American history.

A medal ceremony at a rebuilt White House will honour heroes of the conflict including Jeff Goldblum, who was the last man to use a non-Apple laptop on screen.

American Joanna Kramer said: “Everyone remembers where they were when they first saw the aliens above our cities and realised how far CGI had come.

“If it hadn’t been for the ensemble casting that defended us, mixing up-and-coming stars with veterans like Randy Quaid, then our social and political landscape would be very different.

“I still remember that moving scene with Tea Leoni on the beach with her father, facing that massive wave.

“No, wait. That was Deep Impact.

The July 4th celebration saw a touching moment when Will Smith was reunited with the alien he knocked out in the invasion, with the two exchanging jokes and hugging before Smith took offence and punched it again.