Aldi and Waitrose like Batman and the Joker

SWORN adversaries Aldi and Waitrose need each other on some weird level, it has been claimed.

As the irreverent budget supermarket’s sales overtook its middle class enemy Waitrose, experts said that one could not exist without the other.

Retail expert Stephen Malley said: “Waitrose sees itself as a force for justice but is actually really deluded and weird, with no sense of normality.

“Aldi revels in the dark underworld of litter strewn retail parks, chuckling and poking fun at the establishment with its weird cheap sausages.

“The one is the mirror of the other, and despite the bitter ongoing duel they secretly want to kiss.”

Aldi shopper Tom Booker said it deserves to win out because of its surprisingly alright products: “The frozen pizza is fine as long as you keep the flavour locked in by not heating it up. 

“And I’ve worked out that if I have one of their excellent salamis every week for the next six years, the savings will pay for the therapy I’m in about the cheese.”

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ISIS punishments a tad lenient, say Mail readers

READERS of the Daily Mail have declared ISIS’s stance on crime and sex to be disappointingly soft.

A list of ISIS’s punishments published on the newspaper’s website has revealed that its stance on things like shoplifting is  less brutal than Mail devotees would ideally like.

58-year-old Tom Booker said: “Obviously the bit about homosexuals being put to death is not a problem, but if you get caught stealing a Yorkie bar you should clearly be hung.

“If you only have one hand you could keep stealing with the remaining one.

“I’m not sure what calumny is but it probably deserves 100 lashes rather than 80.

“Also, why does it make no mention of turning a car around in another man’s driveway, especially when they have put a sign up expressly forbidding it. That warrants being stung to death by hornets.”

He added: “I should stress that I am obviously against ISIS. They are foreign.”