All chip shops lying about being world-famous

NO chip shop is world-famous, it has been confirmed.

Despite many chip shops claiming to be ‘world-famous’, researchers found that not one single fish and chip outlet is nearly as well-known as Frank Sinatra or the Eiffel Tower.

Bedford Chip shop proprietor Bill McKay said: “We claim we’re world-famous because David Hasselhoff once came in and drunkenly asked for directions to somewhere else.

“We got a picture of the back of his head which we have given pride of place behind the counter.

“Everyone asks about it, not least David himself when he came back in the night after to apologise for his behaviour and ask if anyone had picked up his phone.”

The Ocean Catch in Stevenage was also claiming global fame on its menu leaflets until they realised that everyone photographed on their ‘celebrity customer wall’ was currently under investigation by the police.

Owner Mary Fisher said: “It just makes the place look a bit infamous, like they were using it as somewhere to meet or something.”

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Assange’s weird dreams shaping reality

JULIAN Assange’s weird dreams are controlling our reality.

The embassy-trapped Wikileaks founder confirmed his psychic dream powers over the weekend by making Pamela Anderson arrive on his doorstep with a vegan salad box.

Assange said: “I’ve no idea how this started, but last week I had this dream where all these fucked-up clown things were running around with knives scared people in car parks.

“The next day it was on the news. I was like ‘ooh that’s trippy’.

“The following night I deliberately ate loads of cheese at bedtime and dreamed about a 25-year-old Baywatch star turning up with a juicy steak and a crate of delicious beer.

“That didn’t quite pan out exactly but I think you’ll agree it was close enough.

“Anyway I’m sorry to inform you that, based on last night’s dream, London is about to be destroyed by a massive lobster with penises for legs, but then Tom Selleck from Magnum PI becomes the new prime minister and everyone gets free bacon crisps.”