All companies now have punk ethos

EVERY company now has a ‘punk ethos’ that drives it forward.

Firms, including fashion chains, software developers and multinational petrochemical corporations, have all confirmed they are challenging establishment values in a dangerous, edgy way.

Business analyst Julian Cook said: “Your customers want to know that you’re not playing by the same old bullshit rules. Why would anyone buy a product that was not the result of creative anarchy?”

Clothing retailer Martin Bishop, said: “Being punk is what we’re all about. That’s why we buy the products in China for a couple of pence and then sell them in Britain for a couple of quid.

“It’s all totally punk as fuck.”

Banking executive Roy Hobbs added: “We loan people money for things they can’t afford and then threaten them with the bailiffs when they don’t pay it back.

“So my biggest influence would have to be Joe Strummer.”

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Gentrification - good or bad?

IS IT good that everything is becoming more fancy?

Experts predict that by 2048 the entire planet will have been gentrified. But does that mean high-quality gourmet burgers for all, or the reinvention of long-established communities as nauseatingly self-aware twat colonies?

Make up your own mind:

FOR GENTRIFICATION

No street gangs in your area apart from something called the ‘Temperley Morris Troupe’.

Being able to sell your shitty ex-council flat and buy a lake palace in India.

Well-connected locals mean there is no chance of the government building a nuclear reactor or high security prison anywhere near you.

Hipster pizzas are far nicer than the shitty school dinners-type with the spongy bread base.

Neighbour disputes never deteriorate beyond passive aggression or perhaps a mildly-worded letter to the council.

Not being the least hard person in the gym.

Areas where well-off people live are somehow less rainy.

In your ungentrified local pub, everyone wanted to punch you in the face.

AGAINST GENTRIFICATION

In your gentrified local pub, you want to punch everyone in the face.

There’s some sort of fucking folk dancing thing on at the local town hall.

Everyone using Apple gadgets constantly, even during sex.

Children sitting on the floor in the middle of cafes, learning the complete disregard for others that will come to define them in later life.

You’ve been here for years but the new people have seen your mainstream thriller paperbacks and aren’t sure if you ‘fit in’.

Sweet Christ, do these people ever stop talking about themselves?