Rodgers sacking 'all part of his masterplan'

BRENDAN Rodgers has confirmed that being fired was something he had planned all along.

After poor results which saw Liverpool adopt a 1-2-0-2-2-1-1-1 formation in a bid to score using neuro-linguistic programming techniques, the club decided to find someone ‘less sophisticated’.

Rodgers said: “I will now sit on my sofa in my pants for the next three months, eating Wotsits and staring at my self-portrait. This will generate an upturn in results with a draw away at Norwich in January.

“In 2018, when I’m doing after dinner speeches in Dubai, Liverpool will win the League Cup as a result. It’s all in my dossier.”

In a statement, the club thanked Rodgers for ‘whatever the hell it was he had been doing for the past three and a half years’.

It is understood Rodgers offered to write the statement himself, claiming to be ‘one of the world’s top five sacking statement writers’.

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Roomba unveils 'Roomba for Shaving'

ROBOT vacuum cleaner company Roomba has unveiled a robot which shaves you while you sleep.

The disc-shaped robot, the size of a bar of hotel soap, glides silently over your face every night between 2am and 4am leaving you fresh for the boardroom without even glancing in the mirror.

A spokesman said: “Coming soon is the Roomba Ladyshave which will roam a woman’s entire body making sure she is pleasingly depilated like the ladies of Xvideos.com.”

But early adopter Roy Hobbs said: “The first time I used it, it decided my arse was my face and eventually I had to download some software to detach it from my scrotum.”

He added: “I’m sticking with the Dyson Hairblade, where I simply stick my face into a whirling cyclone of razor-sharp knives.”