'On hold' music to get angrier the longer you are on hold

THE length of time a person has been on hold to a call centre is to be reflected by increasingly furious hold music. 

Businesses from internet providers to banks will match songs to customers’ frustration as they spend minutes of their lives they will never get back waiting on the phone.

Customer relations manager Martin Bishop said: “It starts gently, with a Groove Armada chill-out track, then moves to irritating with a bit of Taylor Swift.

“After ten minutes we go to really intensely irritating with a medly of Crazy Frog, Willow Smith’s Whip My Hair and Black Eyed Peas’ My Humps. 

“From there it’s straight to anger, soundtracked by Rage Against The Machine and Public Enemy, and by the time you’ve been on hold for half-an-hour – highly likely – you’ll be listening to Kill Fuck Die by W.A.S.P.”

Customer Tom Logan said: “It really is a musical journey, sequenced like the best mixtapes.

“I punched a hole in the wall of my own house, so it perfectly captured the mood.”

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So-called 'smartphone' not smart enough to avoid being dropped in the bog

A TOP-OF-THE-RANGE smartphone was not smart enough to avoid being dropped in a nightclub toilet.

Despite its Snapdragon 820 processor, 12MP sensors and 2x optical zoom, the £700 Samsung S7 was unable to extricate itself from a drunken night out before disaster struck.

Digital marketer Emma Bradford said: “A truly smart phone wouldn’t have been balanced precariously on the cistern at 1AM, especially given how pissed I was.

“To be honest I feel let down because it really should have known better. It could tell me the weather and Snapchat Australia but it did nothing to avoid shattering on the porcelain of a toilet bowl.

“I didn’t do that well in school, but I’ve been to the loo thousands of times and never injured myself. Perhaps I’m the real smart one after all.”

Samsung engineer Choi Yong-hwa said: “Our next generation of phones will be more impact-resistant, waterproof to three metres and can sense when they are in a Wetherspoon’s and will immediately order themselves an Uber.”