Apple HQ 'is giant ouija board'

THE Apple corporation’s new HQ has been designed to channel messages from Steve Jobs.

Leaked plans showed that the giant circular structure’s inner ring would be divided into segments, each labelled with a letter of the alphabet.

In the centre stands a huge wedge-shaped object that up to a hundred employees would simultaneously touch while asking Jobs for guidance.

However work on the $5 billion structure has been postponed after it emerged that Apple had given most of its money to a medium called Madam D’Ananas who told them ‘Steve says you should do some jumpers’.

An Apple spokesman said: “It’s not like we’re freaking out or anything. We know Steve’s out there and he’s going to make everything right.

“Just yesterday a magpie landed on my office window and cawed twice. Are you telling me that’s coincidence?”

Employee Julian Cook said: “Since things got tougher, this corporation has become obsessed with the spirit world.

“I said in a meeting our competitors are making products of comparable quality for a cheaper price, but everyone ignored me.

“Then I said it again in a spooky voice, using a crystal ball instead of a projector and got a standing ovation.”

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Should anyone be allowed to work in the City?

A DAMNING report into former bank bosses has raised the question of whether anyone should be allowed to work in finance.

As the banking standards commission suggested three former HBOS directors should be banned from the industry, experts said the men had been greedy and very bad at their jobs, just like absolutely everyone else who does this kind of thing.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Acres of empty office space. You may as well graze sheep at the foot of the Shard.

“Every day I get into the lift with my colleagues and we all just look at each other and shrug. And then we get out our smartphones and compare photos of our Bang and Olufsen lavatories.”

He added: “I certainly shouldn’t be here. Jesus. ‘Chief economist’? What a lot of shite.

“Can I get you some homeopathy with that?”

Martin Bishop, a senior trader at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “Watch what happens when I press this button.

“Oh shit, it’s not supposed to do that. I was sure we had rigged that bit. I fucking hate this job when it’s not rigged.”

He added: “Wait a minute, it’s okay, I still made 80 grand.”