Bullies demand fat kid clarification

BRITAIN’S thugs have asked whether jiggling a fat person is a hate crime.

As Greater Manchester Police began classifying offences based on clothing and eyeliner, bullies said the lack of clarification on size-based cruelty risked creating ‘a legal minefield’.

Bill McKay, director of the Royal College of Arseholes, said: “Is it still okay to pretend there’s an earthquake whenever a large child walks past you?

“Or will our members be hauled up in court and made to say sorry like some fucking hippy?”

He added: “With goths and emos now under police protection, all we have left is fat people, old people, students, people who wear glasses, people who read books on the bus, people who enjoy classical music, men who are obviously not as tough as us, and all women.”

Despite a lack of official figures police estimate that thin-on-fat crime is on increase. Anecdotal evidence suggests that it takes less than eight seconds for a pub argument to contain the phrase ‘fat prick’ if one of the parties weighs more than 13 stone.

But McKay said the move was an indiscriminate attack on his members, adding: “Then they came for the arseholes and there was no-one left to speak up.”

Meanwhile, football supporters have prepared a contingency chant of, ‘Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies? Was it an unresolved emotional issue that made you eat all the pies?’.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Spring thinks it's too late to start now

SPRING will bypass the UK this year after deciding that to arrive so late would be unbearably awkward.

The yearly weather pattern claimed the weight of expectation is just too much to bear.

Spring said: “I’ve given this a lot of thought, and it’s going to be better for everyone if we pick this up next year.

“To kick things off at the end of April would just feel weird. Usually I like to be around for the equinox but for various reasons that didn’t happen.

“Personally I just feel that I need that time from March to June to do my thing, I like to tell a story with my work, to take everyone on a journey from lambs and blossom through into summer.

“Sorry if I’ve let anyone down but Winter says it’s fine to take the April-June slot. And I’ll be back next year with something special for all those people who really like me.”

Winter said: “I’m getting all the hate here but it’s Spring that’s being a dick.

“That said, this is a great opportunity to convince everyone that subzero temperatures are the way forward.

“Also I’m going to be mixing it up a little, introducing some sunny days that look nice but when you go out in them are actually fucking freezing.”