North Korea 'may not be performance art', say experts

NORTH Korea is not an elaborate modern art installation, as previously suspected.

As the tiny nation seemed to be genuinely threatening the United States with a nuclear strike, experts said it was now likely that Kim Jong Un and his late father are not ground-breaking surrealists in the mould of Salvador Dali, Luis Bunuel and Anne Widdecombe.

Julian Cook, professor of not knowing what’s real anymore at Roehampton University, said: “I’m starting to suspect he’s a schizoid. And a massive one at that.

“I may yet be proved wrong and this really is experimental theatre on a grand scale. In which case he is guaranteed a five-star review.”

Meanwhile, the United Nations has told North Korea that if it wants to kill itself it could either do it quietly at a Swiss clinic, or spectacularly, with human cannonballs and alligators.

UN secretary general Ban Ki Moon said: “I would say to North Korea, ‘there really is no need to kill yourself, but if you do, try to do it in a way which does not bother anyone else’.”

He added: “If North Koreans are determined to die then my personal preference would be for them to be fired, one by one, from a giant circus cannon directly into a ravenous, black-eyed dinosaur.

“It would be like throwing an M&M to a friend to see if they can catch it in their mouth.”

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Britain preparing for wave of tourism tourists

THE UK is braced for a summer invasion of foreigners coming here simply to wander around.

So-called ‘tourism tourists’, or ‘tourists’ for short, come to England to exploit its rich cultural history.

A government spokesman said: “There’s a risk that these people will romanticise everything, reducing the country to a scone-based economy where everyone has to dress like either Jane Austen or a shepherd.

“But we cannot stop them because we desperately need their cash.”