Thick old people slam thick young people

THICKHEADED older people have criticised educational standards among young thickos.

After a survey showed a lack of basic knowledge among youngsters, older people who are fractionally less stupid felt rather superior.

Pensioner Norman Steele, 66, said: “A third of young people didn’t know Renoir was an artist. This makes me superior to them, even though all I know about Renoir is this one fairly obvious fact.

“Nor do I see any contradiction in feeling clever about this and having previously dismissed all art ever made as ‘for poofs’.”

Receptionist Helen Archer, 58, said: “My sense of superiority to teenagers comes entirely from knowing my times tables, which I was forced to memorise on pain of being hit around the head with a stick.

“However apart from a fading grasp of basic multiplication my only other specialist area is racial prejudice.”

However school pupil Nikki Hollis, 14, said: “Surveys about what young people don’t know are always inaccurate because it’s funny to put that Winston Churchill is a type of biscuit.

“Although having said that, I do firmly believe France is in Italy.”

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Nokia with broken screen is best phone of all time

AFTER 40 years of mobile telephones, a Nokia with a broken screen has been declared the greatest ever.

Experts described the battered 2003 phone as ‘not taking any shit’, and ‘the only phone you’ve ever wanted to have a pint with’.

Telecoms analyst Martin Bishop said: “It’s got buttons, a speaker, the game ‘Snake’ plus you can drive a Panzer tank over the fucker and it still works.

“It is the best phone and really you want one with the screen a bit smashed up, because that gives it character.”

A panel of consumers, industry experts and technologists described all other phones as ‘a pile of wank’.

Mobile user Tom Logan said: “I got sucked into the whole iPhone bullshit thing, but really this works much better.

“Thinking about it, I was duped by clever marketing into thinking that owning a certain type of telecommunications device would make me cool. Is there anything more ridiculous?”

He added: “Also Snake is the best game ever. They use it to train astronauts to have faster reflexes.

“And you don’t have to pay more money to get a faster snake.”