Apple not toothless crofter living alone in peat-burning cottage, EU rules

THE EU has ruled that Apple is not a kindly old crofter living in an isolated cottage in County Mayo, as it had claimed for tax purposes. 

The multinational corporation claimed to have made €6.4 billion per annum by selling peat, distilling poteen and helping neighbours clear up after storms. 

An EU official said: “After consideration, we have concluded that Apple’s turnover of €88 billion between 2004 and 2016 is related to their technology business rather than lucky finds of leprechaun gold. 

“Investigations have shown that iPhones 2 to 6S were not, as asserted, the names of Seamus O’Connor’s draught horses used to haul his old wooden cart to market. 

“And while the gentleman in question does indeed sit by the fire nursing a jug of buttermilk telling twinkle-eyed folk tales to the young ones, this does not result in the €62 million monthly profit claimed. 

“Apple owes the EU some €13 billion in unpaid taxes. Payment in potatoes will be refused.” 

An Apple spokesman said: “This news will break Tim Cook’s heart, when it reaches him. There aren’t yet phone lines to his clapboard surf shack in La Jolla.” 

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Elderly man and middle-aged son park in parent and child space

A 75-YEAR-OLD father and his middle-aged son took one of the parent and child spaces in a Tesco car park, it has emerged.

Tom Booker and his son, Stephen, had been driving round the busy car park for fifteen minutes even though many parent and child spaces were available.

Booker said: “He is a parent and I am his child. We were in a car, and we needed to park the car. It seemed quite obvious.

“I pointed out to my son that the likes of UK Olympic bronze medal winning hammer-thrower Sophie Hitchon are way more capable of carrying heavy bags of shopping across several hundred yards of tarmac than we are.

“Not sure if she has a kid but you get the idea.”

46-year-old Stephen Booker said: “Eventually we just said fuck it. It’s fair enough and why should Tesco reward people just because they’ve recently had sex.

“Pushchairs have wheels on, and I have sore feet.”