Attractive staff 'a sign of pervert boss'

COMPANIES with unusually attractive staff are likely to be run by creepy people, it has been claimed.

They’re highly competent and absurdly hot

Researchers found that businesses where the workers are predominantly good-looking and either all blonde or brunette often have an inappropriate boss.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Most attractive people are useless at actually doing stuff, so good-looking staff are a surefire sign of a pervert-run enterprise.

“If your colleagues are 80 per cent pretty young women or hot guys with bullet-hard buttocks, chances are there is some weird stuff going on.”

Brubaker said most perv-run businesses were either hairdressers, newspapers or investment banks.

Packaging company boss Tom Booker employs a staff of 34, most of whom look slightly like Melinda Messenger.

He said: “I strongly reject the insinuation that I see this place as my personal harem.

“I’m 54, I love my wife and would only cheat on her if I was absolutely certain she would never find out.

“Sometimes I lean over staff members in an unnerving way or make comments like ‘I think your boyfriend’s a very lucky man and I hope he looks after you’, but that’s where it stops.

“Just light, fun creepy stuff.”

24-year-old employee Emma Bradford said: “I was quite surprised when Tom made me head of strategy as I was delivering sandwiches at the time.

“He also said I only have to come in on Tuesdays, when everyone has the afternoon off for volleyball in the car park.”

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Scottish Parliament legalises hunting of 'No' voters

SCOTLAND is to relax restrictions on the hunting of anyone who voted ‘No’.

The ruling SNP claims it was forced to act because Scotland is becoming overrun with vermin eating away at the country’s future.

Richard Lochhead, the Secretary for the Environment, said: “They may be considered sweet little things in England but up here we can’t afford to be sentimental.

“They say you’re never more than six feet away from a No voter, and their effluent is poisoning the waters of our political discourse.

“We’ve worked through the numbers and there’s an overpopulation of exactly 383,937 – coincidentally the losing margin in last week’s referendum – but we’re issuing licences to get rid of a round half-million, just to be sure.”

Hunter Bill McKay said: “Most of these pathetic creatures are very old and clearly incapable of making choices which would improve their lives, so it’s a kindness anyway.”

Pleas to find safe havens in England for the No voters have so far gone unanswered.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “They’re lovely little creatures, but I wouldn’t want one in the back garden drinking Buckfast and shouting ‘Hootsmon’ in the middle of the night.”