Bank of Mum and Dad bailed out by Bank of Nan and Grandad

THE Bank of Mum and Dad has had to call on assistance from its grandparent bank after a year of substantial losses.

Bank of Mum and Dad directors Roy and Sheena Hobbs helped their youngest child with a house deposit and then pissed away their remaining savings on cars and cruises, triggering a plea for emergency capital from the Bank of Nan and Grandad.

Roy Hobbs said: “Sheena fancies getting a couple of those expensive little labradoodles, and I need a new set of golf clubs and a front axle for the old Rover I’m restoring in the garage.

“We’ve agreed an emergency loan from the Bank of Nan and Grandad, on strict terms that we visit them every other week. But once we’ve got the cash that will go out of the window.”

He said: “Begging for money that your parents have worked hard to accumulate is what family is all about.”

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G7 rejects Boris call for midnight raid on tuck shop

THE G7 meeting in Italy has rejected Boris Johnson’s plan to sneak into the tuck shop late at night and make off with sweets, it has emerged.

The foreign secretary interrupted discussions of the humanitarian crisis in Syria to outline the sweet-theft scheme, insisting it would be a ‘wizard prang’.

Italian foreign minister Angelino Alfano said: “We rejected the proposal to ‘pinch loads of tuck and scoff it in the dorm’ on the grounds that it was not G7 business and extremely juvenile.

“I don’t even think there’s a ‘tuck shop’ in this high-end hotel. There’s a small convenience store in the lobby, but it’s not really appropriate for government ministers to break in and commit petty theft.

“Also everyone here has a generous expense account, so we can easily buy as many sweets as we like, even a whole jar of fizzbombs.