Bank reforms to make it look as if something is being done

A PROPOSED shake-up of the UK banking system is to make it look as if someone is doing something about it.

The interim report from the Independent Commission on Banking sets out a series of recommendations based on their assumption that you and Vince Cable have no idea how any of this actually works.

Meanwhile the report has been given a cautious reception by the
British Bankers Association in what experts have described as an
insultingly transparent double bluff.

Nathan Muir, senior banking analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “The central idea is that if a bank’s investment arm fails then ordinary people’s savings will be guaranteed and there will be no need for any more bail outs. But of course in 2008 deposits could have been guaranteed without protecting the investment arms anyway, which suggests they have come up with a solution for a problem which did not exist.

“At this stage you should feel free to start getting very suspicious.”

He added: “If an investment bank fails it starts a chain reaction of fucking things up quite tremendously, so the idea that everything will be fine because your little deposit is safe and snug in it’s fur-lined box is what we call ‘a lot of shit’.

“When that amount of money is lost it has to be replaced somehow, otherwise many, many other businesses will collapse. And the only guaranteed way of replacing it is to get it from the government and the only guaranteed way the government can get it is from… do you really not know?

“That’s right. And the reason you are the only guaranteed source of funding in the whole fucked-up system is because the government controls what we call ‘the police’.

“So the idea that these reforms will save taxpayers’ money in the event of a future banking crisis is like saying you will never get cancer because you always wear underpants.”

Muir said: “You see, the thing we’ve learned from all of this is that unrestrained free markets are not possible without big government.

“How fucked-up is that?”


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Clarkson continues heartbreaking bid to hide true sexuality

TV bad boy Jeremy Clarkson remains filled with inner turmoil
after shattering Richard Hammond’s heart into a million tiny pieces, it
has emerged.

The outwardly heterosexual television personality, who is already locked in a tragic sham marriage with a woman, has reaffirmed the bitter pretence that he loves vaginas by publicly touching a female colleague.

A Top Gear insider said: “If you look closely at the pictures of Clarkson canoodling with a blonde, you will be able to detect a tiny, gleaming spot on his cheek. It’s a single tear.

“I feel most sorry for Richard. He really thought their time had come. He’s been trying for ages to convince Jeremy that they can live openly together without fear of lynching, citing examples from the civil rights movement and the career of Christopher Biggins.

“Last week, while we were on a break between shooting a piece about some new muscle cars that can force themselves on women and driving some tanks off a cliff, there was a smashing sound in Richard’s trailer and Jeremy flounced out, visibly upset.

“I asked him what was wrong and at first he pretended he was just sad because Elizabeth Taylor had died.

“But later he admitted ‘Marilyn’ – his name for Hammond – had pulled out of plans to buy a bed and breakfast in Pevensey, which they would co-run with Jeremy doing the cooking while Richard focused on setting up the treatment rooms which would be its unique selling point.”

The troubled, intense relationship between Clarkson and Hammond began when the pair were racing penis-shaped dragsters across the Sahara.

The insider said: “At night the temperature in the desert drops below zero, so you need body heat to keep warm. Let’s just say that after a certain amount of tentative spooning, nature took its course in a way that was both tender and brutal.

“James May tried to join in but they fought him off.

“Richard told me that afterwards they lay in each other’s arms, exhausted, looking up at the night sky and imagining a distant universe where they didn’t both have wives and children.

“And when Richard had his accident and was lying, broken in a hospital bed, Jeremy would sing softly to him and rub his thighs.

“All the while fighting his demons and dreaming of Pevensey.”