Banker getting massive uncapped bonus for f**king up pound

A CITY banker will receive a huge uncapped bonus for his hard work shorting the pound yesterday, all thanks to Kwasi Kwarteng. 

Joseph Turner of Chelsea was so gratified to see the unfair cap on bonuses lifted on Friday that he immediately got to work boosting his payout by profiting from Britain’s economic ruin.

He said: “It really was a budget for bankers. With the one hand they give us extra cash in our pockets, with the other they create the perfect conditions for us to fill our boots.

“Dumping the top bracket of tax was a nice gesture, but realistically that earns me an extra £55k a year. Piss all. Doesn’t even buy you a house up north.

“But a strong dollar, a languishing Euro, and the pound left naked and exposed like a Goldman Sachs intern on a hazing weekend? They know what we’re like. They knew what we’d do.

“The moment we heard my eyes met Mark’s, from Forex trading, and he said ‘Let’s drive that motherf**ker down.’ By the end of Friday we’d topped the bonus cap. By the end of yesterday we’d doubled it.

“This recession’s going to be so good for us. I must thank Kwasi next time I see him. Shame he was too thick to make it in finance.”

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NASA probe smashes into first emerging sign of alien life

NASA’S Dart probe has crashed into and killed the first emerging specimen of alien life, it has been confirmed.

The direct hit on the Dimorphos asteroid, intended to change its course to test whether dangerous objects could be redirected, has detected then eradicated the first extraterrestrial life found in the universe.

A NASA spokesperson said: “What are the odds? But yes, there is life out there. Or was.

“The Dart’s onboard camera, when viewed in close-up and slow motion, shows an alien life form poking its head out of a crater before taking a $325 million space probe right in the kisser.

“There it is, that grainy, woodlouse-looking thing staring straight down the lens. Preliminary analysis shows that it is conscious, sentient and bricking it, which is fair enough because it’s about to die.

“If it wasn’t alone, hopefully the aliens won’t hold this unprovoked murder against us. Though it’s hard to see how they wouldn’t because from their perspective this was a guided missile launched directly at their mate.

“Let’s just on the positives: humanity is not alone in the universe. Though technically slightly more alone than previously. Sorry everyone.”