Newspapers loyally back useless pair of financially illiterate shitheads

BRITAIN’S right-wing newspapers have rallied around to give their support to a pair of inept f**king cretins who know shit all about running an economy. 

From the Mail to the Sun, journalists are debasing themselves to pretend Britain’s new prime minister and chancellor have not catastrophically f**ked the country’s economy in less than a month, and half of that spent mourning.

Mail columnist Jo Kramer said: “The silly markets are just panicking because they know Liz and Kwasi have got the measure of them.

“A weak pound? More like a cowed pound. The new Iron Lady’s got it whipped, but it’ll soon come out roaring with the world at its feet. Are we done? I need to line up a new mortgage deal before I lose the house.”

Telegraph financial writer Julian Cook said: “This proper Conservative budget, the first ever visionary enough to combat inflation with a twin-pronged attack of tax cuts and epic borrowing, rewrites economics forever. Throw your textbooks away. Kwarteng writes the rules now.”

And Express leader writer Francesca Johnson agreed: “Disaster? Opportunity on a global scale, more like. I’m in awe. She should call an election tomorrow. She’d win.

“Christ, you write a column backing Cameron in 2010 and 12 years later this is where you end up. Backed into a corner lying for that pair of clueless pricks. We are so f**ked.”

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'Keep the tunes coming': six dickhead radio shout-outs

THE radio exists to provide a flow of music and inane chat when an afternoon’s dragging, until Jamie from Morecambe texts in to make it all about him:

‘Keep the tunes coming’

DJs must find this message so useful. How else would they know to play another song after the one currently playing finishes? If they’re not reminded by Hayley from Colchester, the rest of the show would play out in awkward silence.

‘My two-year-old requested the Chemical Brothers’

Aging hipster parent Sandy of Glossop loves to try to claw back some bragging rights through his progeny. This should be is a signal for social services to visit the house and explain that nobody needs to hear Let Forever Be until eight years old at the earliest.

‘The whole office is loving it’

Forcing your workplace to listen to your station of choice is a borderline hostage situation. Deciding to speak on their behalf just because Heart played Barry Manilow’s Mandy broadcasts your sadism to the nation.

‘Got to shout out my mates Eric, Chris, Riggsy, Tom…’

When an imbecile with friends makes it onto the air, and boy do they make the most of their two minutes of mid-morning radio fame. After all, why would you want to listen to music when you could hear an endless list of dull twats’ names?

‘Happy anniversary Maggie’

Nothing says ‘I’m up shit’s creek because I forgot to get a card’ quite like Carl from Warrington’s grovelling dedication attached to a request for an Ed Sheeran song. Which will only cause more marital dischord because their first dance was to Michael Bublé.

‘Let me tell you what’s wrong with this country’ 

Any contribution to talk radio sucks, without exception. It would be more effective for these guys – it’s mainly guys – to find a void to scream into. But that wouldn’t be fair on the poor void.