Liz Truss wakes up at 5am and rushes downstairs to see if growth has arrived yet

AN impatient Liz Truss has, for the fourth morning running, woken before dawn and rushed down to see if record growth has arrived yet. 

The prime minister’s huge tax cuts were announced on Friday and every day she has woken up expecting to hear that Britain’s economy has taken off and hit the stratosphere, only to be disappointed.

She said: “I know, I know, we just have to wait for the pound to stabilise and the markets to stop their silly jittering and gilts to be sensible. But I want growth now.

“Come on people, it’s been days. Let’s get those record-breaking corporate profits invested and kick off my decade of dynamism and opportunity. What are you hanging around for?

“Honestly, after yesterday’s big soggy economic let-down of a day I thought today would be the one. I crept down with my eyes closed, chanting ‘four per cent growth, four per cent growth’ under my breath. I was so sure.

“Instead I was greeted by glum interns muttering about the Asian markets. It broke my little heart.

“But at least I know now that today’s the last day I’ll have to put up with it, because today’s the turnaround and tomorrow’s going to be Growth Day! Hooray! I hope I can sleep.”

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