WERE you once caught watching one of these videos on your phone? Would it have been less shameful to watch actual filth?
Call on Me – Eric Prydz
Like the grubby self-deluder you are, rather than just admitting your intentions and opening an incognito window, you’re watching this heavily eroticised workout video. With no relationship to the song’s lyrics, this video’s producers just ripped off a hot bit from an 80s John Travolta movie and sexed it the f**k up.
Dirrty – Christina Aguilera
If you’re looking for a video comprised of little more than dozens of close-up shots of a woman’s bethonged groin, then you’ve come to the right place. You’re only fooling yourself if you think that watching a scantily-clad Christina pound her pelvis into the ground is anything other than porn-adjacent.
WAP – Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion
To be even-handed, when your track’s called Wet Ass Pussy there’s ample justification for a video that’s a gift to the horny. A video so gratuitously filthy it’s more accurately called softcore with, for once, a decent soundtrack. Requires viewers to show a keen interest in hip-hop going back at least a decade to prove they’re not deviants.
Rock DJ – Robbie Williams
The first half of this video was MTV’s gift to housewives in the early noughties. Featuring Robbie Williams performing a titillating strip-tease only slightly undermined when he tears off his skin and starts throwing his own bloody arse cheeks at roller-blading women.
Wrecking Ball – Miley Cyrus
A video that illustrates the hallucinatory fever-dream of a construction worker with a vibrating tool up against his groin listening to daytime Radio 1 in 2013. Features nothing but a largely, or entirely, nude Miley Cyrus licking and grinding against various industrial equipment. Empowering.
California Gurls – Katy Perry
Prior to Katy Perry becoming the face of Just Eat, she had a career in music. This insane, confectionary-themed music video is Willy Wonka’s wet dream and is almost entirely composed of references to fellatio. Accept that you’re watching this for the wrong reasons, finish, move on.
