We haven't learnt from history, says Italy

THE birthplace of fascism appears to have forgotten how that ended last time and have elected another far-right leader, it has emerged.

Italy has announced it has no recollection of machine-gunning any fascist prime minister, nor publicly hanging the body to be pelted with vegetables, as it ushers Giorgia Meloni into power.

Italian Francesco Fornacieri said: “Benito who? Never heard of him. When did you say he was around? 1922 to 1945? Oh.

“Italy came through World War Two fine, so we must have been the good guys. I’ve not read up on the details because when your country’s on the right side of history you don’t have to.

“Is that why Europe’s freaking out about this election? Are you sure it’s not because they’re misogynists? The establishment’s just rattled to see a hard-right girlboss in power.

“Anyway, Mussolini was fine until he hooked up with other European demagogues during a continental war for territory against the backdrop of a worldwide economic collapse. So no need for concern. History never repeats itself, after all.”

Tom Booker from Portsmouth said: “I’m surprised and disappointed with Italy. You’d never catch the UK falling into the trap of allowing a female right-wing ideologue devoid of integrity into power. No way.”

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Woman's self-care is bitching about others

A WOMAN’S method of centering and looking after her mental wellbeing is laying into her friends and family, she has confirmed.

Lauren Hewitt shuns yoga and scented candles in favour of being viciously judgmental of the lives of friends, acquaintances and celebrities by excoriating their personalities and life choices.

She explained: “After a stressful day, nothing soothes my soul like calling a mate up and slating a mutual friend for being a narcissistic sociopath who deserves to be fired and thrown out of their home.

“An hour ripping into a close pal who I’ve imagined has slighted me in some way leaves me more at peace than any shiatsu massage or cup of chamomile tea. It makes me feel complete.

“Slagging off others who dare to think they’re better than me has saved me hundreds in therapists’ fees. Bitching is good, healthy and hurts only those who aren’t me.

“I’m consistent and fair about it. Like perhaps the next day I’ll ring up Janine, who I hated yesterday, and gossip about how Jo is a total cow unworthy of our friendship. To spread the wealth around.”

She added: “The pleasure of bringing them both down a peg or two really boosts my overall wellbeing. My inner goddess is reborn as I lament to my mum over WhatsApp how fat my sister is these days.”