Is your pay rise dangerously inflationary or are you earning more than £150,000 a year?

WOULD giving you a pay rise in line with inflation only fuel that inflation, or is it perfectly fine because you earn six figures? Find out: 

Who do you work for? 

A) I’m a former public sector employee now working for an outsourced private business which has frozen pay and is cutting all in-work benefits
B) I’m an employee of an international financial conglomerate. Well, my one-man corporation is and I pay myself a non-taxable dividend

What do you do? 

A) I’m a nurse in a care home, making sure that 90 residents with complex long-term medical needs remain healthy. But I’ve recently been told I could earn more at Tesco
B) I hedge international currency markets and lending rates, and am currently making Chinese investors a bloody killing on the pound

Are you struggling with inflation? 

A) Yes, the cost of shopping’s ridiculous, there’s a winter of huge energy bills ahead and the mortgage is going up
B) It’s a challenge for British businesses but a boon for continental importers, so I’ve recommended shorting the latter and going long on the former

How much do you earn? 

A) I’m on £32,500 a year, so I’m actually quite a high earner, but my husband can only work part-time because of the kids so the tax cut is not that much for us
B) I’m on £480k a year so I’m actually quite a low earner for my sector. If it wasn’t for my annual bonus I’d need to liquidate some of my property portfolio

Do you donate to the Conservative party? 

A) What? No. I did vote Boris in 2019 though.
B) Well you have to, don’t you.


Mostly As: Any pay rise in your sector would contribute to inflation by encouraging you to run out and spend money on fancy things like clothing and pleasant food. Your pay must remain low for your own good.

Mostly Bs: Pay rises in your sector are encouraged and subsidised because they drive growth for the entire country. Demand one today, hero.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Pound only worth less if you're foreign

THE pound is only worth less if you have the misfortune to be born a foreigner, the chancellor has assured Britain. 

Kwasi Kwarteng has stated that the plummeting value of the pound is of no concern to Britons as it will still buy them the same amount of marvellous British cheeses or jams.

He continued: “Other countries say our currency is worth less. Well of course they do. They’re just jealous.

“They’re jealous of our fortitude, our grit, pluck and spunk, our visionary Brexit and our new, radical economics that will see our country roar past theirs any day now. So they do us down.

“They’ll charge us more for goods from their countries, which by definition are rubbish we don’t want. And they’d pay less for our exports, if we hadn’t cunningly anticipated that by making exporting almost impossible.

“Just ignore their sneering continental attitudes and the ridiculous posturing of Ol’ Wokie Biden. The pound is worth whatever we say it is, and I say it’s the best currency in the whole wide world.”

Wayne Hayes of Northampton said: “How dare they say that about our pounds when they’ve got the Queen on.”