Being digitised 'nothing like Tron'

LLOYDS staff have complained that being ‘digitised’ merely involves being sacked rather than blasted into a thrilling video game world.

After the bank announced it was digitising its business, staff were looking forward to light cycle races, battles with glowing frisbees and running through corridors with attractive people in luminous body stockings.

Cashier Stephen Malley said: “I thought I was going to be driving around in a glowing tank looking for rogue ‘programs’, but the manager just gave me my P45.

“Being unemployed I can live with. What I can never forgive is that Lloyds has just pissed all over the dreams of a nine-year-old me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Tree of the Year dogged by nepotism

THE Tree of the Year competition is dominated by trees with wealthy and well-connected parents, critics have claimed.


Many believe the Woodland Trust’s contest to find Britain’s best tree excludes trees from ordinary arboreal backgrounds.

Horse chestnut tree Tom Logan said: “I was going to enter Tree of the Year because I’m big, green and I’ve got massive conkers.

“Then I saw the shortlist and it was full of the saplings of famous trees. There was an apple tree whose dad dropped the apple on Isaac Newton, and the daughter of the oak that Robin Hood hid in.

“Ordinary trees like me don’t stand a chance against these posh trees with their private nurseries and expensive tree surgeons paid for by mummy and daddy.

“Now I suppose I’ll just stay here in the park getting pissed on by dogs until I get all my branches cut off by risk-averse council workmen.”

A spokesman for the Woodland Trust said it welcomed all trees, but admitted that trees from well-off backgrounds tended to be better pruned and made a nicer rustling sound.

Willow tree Susan Traherne said: “I suppose some people would say I’m privileged because my parents live in Kew Gardens and my great-great-great-great grandmother was the tree aspirin was first derived from.

“But I’m only entering Tree of the Year as a bit of a laugh before I go to Oxford then get a job in politics or the media.”