Cumberbatch-cancelling headset launched to huge demand

A NEW device that cancels out all mention of Benedict Cumberbatch is selling out everywhere.

The CumberGone’s headphones use white noise to block all mention of the actor’s name, while the accompanying glasses recognise Cumberbatch’s outline and replace his image with that of a wardrobe.

Regular software updates alert the device to any new projects the actor is involved in, so the wearer is in no danger of ever experiencing Benedict Cumberbatch.

User Roy Hobbs of Harrogate said: “I keep smacking into things because of my reduced visibility, but it’s worth it.

“At social gatherings it’s not if Benedict Cumberbatch will be mentioned, it’s when. Just last night a co-worker said to me ‘Have you heard that has been cast as?’ and I smiled back, blissfully oblivious.

“They are a bit over-responsive – apparently my mother-in-law has only been trying to tell me about her cucumber patch – but better to be safe than sorry.”

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Pets demand constant unlimited supply of food

PETS of all species have demanded that unlimited amounts of food are made available to them at all times.

Labrador Tom Logan said: “For too long food has been dished out in fits and starts, maybe three or five times a day. That’s not cool if you are always hungry.

“All we ask for is a massive pile of meat and biscuits that is constantly replenished before we have a chance to eat it all. And some sweets, but not Minstrels because they give me the shits.”

Cat Roy Hobbs said: “When I’m meowing at you, I’m not doing it for a fucking laugh.

“It is no longer good enough to say ‘but you’ve already had your breakfast’.

“Meal times are a human contrivance used to justify the suppression of animal appetites.”

Budgie Norman Steele said: “More seed.”