Big tubs of chocolates right at front of supermarket just for no reason

TUBS of Heroes and Celebrations have been placed right by the entrance of every supermarket just in case you fancy them for whatever reason, say retailers. 

The tubs, piled high and competitively priced, are not there in preparation for any kind of festival of consumption which is too far away to even mention but just because.

Morrisons store manager Nathan Muir said: “No big deal. Just some chocolates that you can put in a cupboard until such time as they come in handy.

“Nobody’s bringing the name of any kind of annual event into play here. Not with Halloween still in play. But if you, y’know, ‘need’ a tub of Roses we’re here.

“Hey, the last thing I want to do is panic anyone. And no need, what with these tubs being piled high. I’m sure you’ll be able to get your favourites no problem when the time comes.”

Muir added in a whisper: “That woman there just bought five tubs of Quality Street. What if they’re gone by December! It’ll ruin you-know-what!”

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If the economy's so f**king great, why I am skint? asks Britain

BRITONS are struggling to understand why good economic news keeps coming out but their personal finances are still up shit creek.

After wages rose faster than expected, many people are wondering when all the positive trends will lead to something actually useful like being able to buy a house.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Some people’s wages might have gone up, but mine haven’t. I might write to the economists and let them know about that.

“In fact I’m always struggling to pay my ludicrous rent. And the 0.5 percent difference between wages and inflation isn’t making a massive hole in my £38,000 student debt.

“It’s almost as if there might be bigger problems for people than small economic fluctuations. But I’m not a BBC journalist so I’m probably talking out of my arse.”

Retail assistant Donna Sheridan said: “I shouldn’t complain because lower inflation does mean I’ve got more money. On Saturday I’m going to get absolutely wankered on that extra £1.30.”

Economist Martin Bishop said: “What we’re seeing here is a complex macroeconomic phenomenon known as ‘reporting figures without any real context because you can’t be arsed’.”