Black cab drivers to revel in victory over Uber for centuries to come

LONDON drivers have already started to relate to their passengers the Great Saga of the Black Cabs’ Triumph over Uber which will be told for centuries to come. 

Historians believe that hundreds of years from now, when the city is sunk and Britain reduced to a primitive hunter-gatherer society, the oral tradition will still tell of when the indigenous people stood strong and repelled a great invader.

London cabbie Norman Steele told a passenger to Docklands: “Long had the Men of the Lore ridden the pathways in their Chariots of Ebony, educating supplicants to their Wisdom.

“But came a stranger from across many oceans, whose face was rectangular and black and shiny and who granted many magicks so even the unknowing could become charioteers in a white Toyota Prius.

“Yet they of times, and of other times, and of time and again would mislead the unwary by transporting them to the wrong Eurotraveller Hotel, for they did not know there were two in that Postcode because they had not the Knowledge.

“And the Ubers, though they swarmed the city, were driven forth by the Wrath of Khan and many went to the sea where they drowned and many left to be on other islands like Leeds and Cornwall and Cardiff, where they may still survive today.

“This is it, mate, that’ll be £88.50. Do you mind getting your own case out? Only I’ve done in my back.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Everyone already hates mature student

A MATURE student returning to university to take a second degree is already loathed by his fellow students and tutors alike, they have confirmed. 

38 year-old Stephen Malley, who is treated with suspicion by everyone on campus and has already had a drink poured over him for being a ‘nark’, is agreed to be a freak and probably dangerous.

Joanna Kramer, aged 19, said: “Firstly, he’s so old. Like so old. Secondly, he’s done all the work.

“In every seminar it’s October Memorandum this and Single Reich theory that and oh my God, shut up, which the tutor basically said.

“And then, after, when we were all going to the Union he thought we meant him as well and kept talking about how he’s changed his life and appreciates whatever and he was looking at me and he is such a creep.

“Apparently he lives in halls and he’s always cooking and asking people to keep the noise down and trying to smoke weed with them and just, like weirding everyone out. Why is he even here?”

Malley said: “Ah, to be in a seat of learning with young, vital people. I’ve never felt more at home.”