Black Friday was in Dante’s Inferno, discover experts

SCHOLARS have found that Dante’s epic Inferno contained a circle in Hell for Black Friday shoppers.

Aligheri’s classic 14th-century poem about a journey through the underworld details the “lost souls” who “seek the worldly and trample unheeding the spirit” for “a ‘chanted window of five feet to watch their fellow damned cavort.”

Literature Professor Helen Archer said: “Between the circle of the heretics and the region for murderers is one of the darkest parts of Hell, reserved for those willing to shove strangers over to purchase white goods.

“They are punished by queuing in darkness and driving, burning rain, whipped by demons in branded tabards and tortured by whispering that PS4s are only £119.99 at another shop but they’ll have gone by now.

“Dante continues: ‘And eternal is their weeping, their streaming eyes; at the hope of a Lenovo tablet for but a handful of change forever out of reach.

“‘Ah, the agonies they suffer all for no avail, for these same baubles are so often cheaper in other seasons.’”

But Black Friday shopper Wayne Hayes said: “If it’s eternal damnation versus £25 off a Nutribullet Pro 900 then burn baby burn.

“Anyway, the Inferno’s bollocks. I prefer Paradise Lost.

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I’m more of a glass half-full person, says Brexiter

A BREXITER has confirmed that he is one of those people who always looks on the sunny side. 

Roy Hobbs believes that any troubles, whether a flat tyre or a national debt of £2 trillion, can be defeated with a smile on your lips and a can-do attitude. 

He continued: “All around me, people are dooming and glooming about everything from rocketing food prices to right-wing extremism. 

“But you know what I do? I look those worries square in the eye and I say ‘Hey – it’s all going to be okay.’ 

“Things like rewriting trade agreements and replacing four decades of UK law are only as difficult as you make them, in my experience. With the right attitude those mountains are nothing but molehills. 

“Problems, whether a fractured, directionless government, a plummeting pound or a 41 per cent rise in hate crimes, are just opportunities I haven’t met yet. Buck up, everyone!” 

Colleague Nathan Muir said: “Roy is optimistic about everything, to an almost reality-blotting degree. 

“Apart from immigrants. He’s very negative about them.”