Blur To Reform As Accountancy Firm

NINETIES indie heroes Blur have reformed as Blur Accountancy Ltd, offering fans a wide range of financial services.

Former singer Damon Albarn said the band had talked about getting back together for several months before the recession presented them with the 'perfect opportunity' to do something involving money.

He added: "The music business can dazzle you with the tunes and the rhythms and the fancy guitars, but it's always been about the money for us. We like to see it move from one account to another. We like to touch it.

"I'll deal with taxation enquiries, while Alex handles the auditing side and Graham offers advice on VAT and payroll. The drummer will be on reception and do the photocopying. Clients can rest assured we're efficient, flexible and 100% off the charlie."

Former bassist Alex James said: "Our shared experience of seven-figure coke debts has given us an excellent understanding of the necessity of effectively managing one's personal, or indeed corporate, finances.

"And I find the varied functionalities of SAGE accounting software every bit as exciting as playing bass guitar to 30,000 screaming fans while completely ripped to the tits. Just in a different way."

Blur fan Christine Dawson, of Ludlow, who has become a client of the new firm, said: "At first I was disappointed that they weren't going to do a record or a stadium tour, but then I realised I did actually need some help with my VAT return.

"Damon was extremely helpful, giving a thorough but precise rundown of recent changes in tax legislation and how they might affect my business. However after our meeting I couldn't resist getting him to sign my tits with a marker pen."

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Flintoff Secures Ashes Place By Scoring Twelve Runs

ANDREW Flintoff's Ashes bid received a boost yesterday after scoring 12 runs against a side throwing the ball quite fast.

Flintoff's haul, which equals the highest innings scored by English batsmen during the 20/20, came off 15 balls in 18 minutes.  An ECB spokesman said: "Ideally, we wouldn’t have wanted Freddie to be out in the crease for that long.

"Anything more than 25 minutes and he tends to fall to bits like an Ikea wardrobe that's been bumped into by a chihuahua. He might look like twenty stone of galoot but he seems to be made of meringue."

Lancashire coach Peter Moores refused to wrap Flintoff in cotton wool, adding: "Freddie needs plenty of lumps of wood hurling at his fragile body if he's to be fit.

"Besides which, he's actually allergic to cotton wool. When he was 21 he almost died after using a q-tip to clean his nose."

Flintoff's career has been plagued by injury since his local pub moved to heavier pint glasses with handles in 2001. And he missed the 2006 Sri Lanka ODI series when a dropped Dundee cake fractured his metatarsal.

Moores said: "He can still hit the ball almost 50% of the time and the opposition still need several goes before turning his stumps into a hundred thousand tiny matchsticks.

"And you should see him throwing the ball, too. He can do it overarm and everything."