Bosses hired on ability to sack people while eating a sandwich

THE key qualification for being a business leader is the ability to fire people while consuming food.

With business schools now including lunchtime firing skills in their MBA courses, the Confederation of British Industry stressed that leadership and organisational skills were now largely irrelevant.

A CBI spokesman said: “The modern British workforce doesn’t need inspiring, it needs firing. And it needs to be fired in a way that is not going to inconvenience the person who is doing it.

“We are delighted that tomorrow’s executives are learning how to enunciate properly with a mouth full of ham.”

Roy Hobbs, managing director of the Chelmsford-based firm Consolidating Solutions, added: “I’ve no idea what Consolidating Solutions is, what they consolidate or what solutions they provide.

“My job is to fire people at lunchtime when they’re on their break.”

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Wi-fi password should be screamed into guests' faces at door

HOUSEGUESTS should be greeted with the wi-fi password at maximum volume, according to new etiquette guidelines.

According to the latest edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette, failure to supply wi-fi access immediately is the greatest solecism that hosts can commit, implying as it does that their stilted conversation is superior to the whole internet.

The book says: “Forcing guests to ask for a password is to reduce them to the abject level of adult children on a rare visit to the parental home.

“And handing out a printed slip on vellum paper, adopted by the lower-middles, is terribly gauche and evokes the ambience of a chain coffee shop.

“A true gentleman announces the password instantly and unignorably, and should guests need a reminder they need only look up to see SN095b55b embroidered by the lady of the house and hung over the fireplace.”

Julian Cook of Richmond said: “If I haven’t got the wi-fi password it takes an age to check Twitter on 3G, making me look like the rude one which is hardly fair.

“However, if I were ever invited to a home where the wi-fi were not protected by password, I would leave immediately. Civilisation demands certain standards.”