Britain may have to do some actual work

BRITAIN faces the prospect of having to remove its finger from its arse.

Experts at the Institute for Studies believe the UK’s shrivelling GDP coupled with the recent conversion of the Albert Hall into a Sue Ryder shop indicate that the country is in ‘technical recession’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our data shows a definite correlation between output and the amount of work done. Or to put it another way, lack of output and the amount of cocking about.

“As an initial step towards getting Britain back on its feet I would ban Facebook, cat-based communications and any Youtube footage of large insects fighting.

“I would also ban ‘working from home’ which is basically getting paid to plunge your sticky, peanut butter covered hands down the front of your pyjamas while watching Criminal Minds in the middle of the day.”

He added: “I would then sit down all graduates and tell them that, regardless of how amazing their new chin piercing looks, they are not going to be able to get a job doing ‘something creative for about a grand a week’.

“To illustrate this point I would pour petrol onto a beautiful flower and then ignite it. I’d tell them, ‘See that? That’s your stupid hopes and dreams,’ before producing an application form for a ‘night fill’ position at Morrison’s.

“Also it would be good if people who already have decent jobs stopped moaning for long enough to actually fucking do them.

“Yes, tube drivers, I am looking at you and doing loud fake coughs. While also pointing.”



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'Oh no! It's the Daily Telegraph!' says Scotland

SCOTLAND was last night fleeing in terror after a surprise attack from the first battalion of Her Majesty’s Daily Telegraph.

The newspaper launched an all-out assault on the tiny northern country-ish with repeated salvos of debt-ridden commentary and a devastating air strike about the Euro or something.

Communities across Scotland dived into Telegraph shelters, huddling together as the newspaper’s air force bombarded them with made-up facts about oil revenues and why Alex Salmond wants to pelt the Duchess of Cambridge with ‘neeps’.

Bill McKay, a rebel from Carnoustie, said: “Ah hud a squatch at the Telegraph websitey aroon ten o’ the clack.

“Within meenits the sirens were blairin’ like a hoolie.

“Even inside the shelter ah could hear the terrifyin’ soond o’ some fat, baldin’ English journalist sayin’, ‘you’ll be exactly the same as Zimbabwe!’.

“Ah don’t mind tellin’ ye, ah fair shat mahsel.”

Meanwhile, as at least seven heavily kilted weirdos launched a counter-attack near a ‘burn’, Captain Peter Oborne of the Queen’s Light Telegraph shouted ‘Princess Anne!’ before collapsing into a hedge and urinating involuntarily.

Under the Geneva Convention any Scottish person that captures him will have to call him a taxi.