BRITAIN will today pick out a nice, new handcart as it completes its preparations for the journey to Hell.
With everything now worse than it was in 1978, the country is in the market for an economical cart, without compromising on comfort or safety.
Handcart sales executive Tom Logan said: "The journey to Hell will be fairly quick, so luxury needn't be a top priority."
He added: "I'd go for something with plenty of leg-room, but at the same time easy to park.
"The last thing you want is to arrive in Hell, with 15 million screaming kids in the back, and drive round and round for an hour, looking for a space."
Meanwhile Tory leader David Cameron is proposing a points system for access to the handcart, while prime minister Gordon Brown wants to borrow £2.7 billion to buy everyone a handcart of their own.
A senior Labour strategist said: "We think that by the time we get to Hell we'll still have a chance of winning the next election, and voters are going to remember the type of handcart they arrived in."