Britain Picks Out New Handcart

BRITAIN will today pick out a nice, new handcart as it completes its preparations for the journey to Hell.

With everything now worse than it was in 1978, the country is in the market for an economical cart, without compromising on comfort or safety.

Handcart sales executive Tom Logan said: "The journey to Hell will be fairly quick, so luxury needn't be a top priority."

He added: "I'd go for something with plenty of leg-room, but at the same time easy to park.

"The last thing you want is to arrive in Hell, with 15 million screaming kids in the back, and drive round and round for an hour, looking for a space."

Meanwhile Tory leader David Cameron is proposing a points system for access to the handcart, while prime minister Gordon Brown wants to borrow £2.7 billion to buy everyone a handcart of their own.

A senior Labour strategist said: "We think that by the time we get to Hell we'll still have a chance of winning the next election, and voters are going to remember the type of handcart they arrived in."

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Van Nistelrooy To Spend Euro 2008 On Goal-Line

DUTCH striker Ruud van Nisterlooy is to spend the rest of Euro 2008 standing on the opposition goal-line.

Holland coach Marco Van Basten made the bold tactical shift after it became clear Van Nistelrooy was invisible to both referees and linesmen.

He said: "Invisibility is such a valuable quality in a striker. Especially when he's six foot two and built like a brick shittenhuis.

"This allows you to position him deep inside the six-yard box and when the ball comes anywhere near the goal he just pushes the keeper out of the way.

"It also allows him to intercept pass-backs and knock the ball out of the keeper's hands, before sending it hurtling towards the open goal while everyone assumes they’re witnessing some kind of miracle."

Meanwhile Italy has lodged a formal protest and demanding the Dutch share the secret of their 'invisibility potion'.

Van Basten added: "There's no magic to it. It's very much in the Dutch tradition of 'Total Poaching' where every member of the team is equally good at poaching.

"I expect to win our remaining games by 14 or 15 goals."