Apple To Fool Public For 207th Time

APPLE boss Steve Jobs last night unveiled the new iPhone, insisting there was 'no way' he would launch a better and cheaper version in three months time.

Jobs said the latest 3G iPhone could never be improved on, and definitely not this year, just before Christmas.

He added: "This is the final version. It’s got everything on it, including a little apple symbol, so there's no way a better one will be in the shops by Thanksgiving at the latest for $100 less.

"Listen: the chances of an October launch of a 4G iPhone with double the storage, a better camera, and a keyboard you can actually use, at half the cost of this one are nil. Seriously.

"So if you want one, go out and buy one tomorrow, because we’ve only got a hundred, and when these run out, we’re not making any more."

Wayne Hayes, editor of Core! magazine, said he had ordered his phone already as there was no chance Jobs was holding back information on upgrades or price cuts.

He said: "He has really pushed the iPhone as far it can go this time, just like last time, there is no way he could make it any cheaper or better, and definitely not this year, just before Christmas.

"If he did that, then everyone who rushed out and bought this one would be made to look like a complete dick in a matter of weeks. That is not the Apple way."

However Julian Cook, technology analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, stressed Jobs was already using a 34G iPhone which he did not plan to put on public sale until 2024.

"By that time he’ll be using a phone that won’t be in the shops until 2038. But you’ll keep handing your money over every time because it’s got a fruit on the back. Dicks."

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Tesco Nails Chicken To River Cottage Door

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco has stepped up its campaign against TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whttingstall by nailing a live chicken to the door of River Cottage.

Attached to the squawking bird was a note warning the chef he had 24 hours to 'cough-up 86 grand' or there 'might just be a little accident'.

Last week Tesco boss Sir Terry Leahy and two henchmen used buckets of chicken blood to paint 'Every Little Helps You Die' in 10 foot high letters on the side of the idyllic West Country small-holding.

Tesco's latest assault follows a barrage of polite letters and phone calls from Fearnley- Whittingstall asking if the company fancied a friendly chat about chicken welfare over a big pot of tea and a slice of Hugh's extra-chocolatey home made chocolate cake.

The chef had hoped to arrange the meeting for a lovely warm afternoon in mid June, just as the last of the apple blossom had floated away on the breeze and the River Cottage strawberries ripened to the colour of a Dorset pillar box.

But the supermarket refused and sent Fearnley-Whittingstall a £2 roasting bird stuffed with a copy of its accounts from 2007 and a letter explaining why its shareholders need chickens to drown in their own faeces.

A Tesco spokesman said: "Money. Money, money, money, money, money, money. Money, money.

"Now fuck off."