Britain Settles For Bad Teeth

BRITAIN has given up on dental appointments and decided to settle for having quite bad teeth, according to a new report.

In the past decade NHS dental reforms have turned British teeth from their traditional beige to a deep brown, while the nation’s breath is now at its worst since the Crimean War.

With most dentists now ex-directory the NHS is recommending anyone suffering extreme decay to go out into the street and start a fight with a drunken tramp.

Wayne Hayes, a botox salesman, said: "I now have an appointment with an NHS dentist. It's not for another 45 years, but I will be allowed to pass it on to my kids."

He added: "I tried to sign on with a private one but he told me to come back when he needed a new roof for his farmhouse in the Dordogne. Anyway, I really like soup."

Tourism information officer Bill Mckay said his dog Tina would no longer kiss him because his breath was so bad, while Nikki Hollis, a trainee beautician, said her boyfriend really liked her new toothless look.

She said: "He’s been pestering me for years to have them taken out. It’s nothing to do with oral sex. He just likes women without teeth."

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Most British Children Now Demons

MORE than half of all British children are demons whose souls have been devoured by Satan, according to a new study.

Researchers claim that since 1998 around 56% of British children have been possessed by some of hell's most senior demons including Baal, Legion and the Moloch.

And they said it was vital the media continued to demonise children, otherwise they would be 'playing straight into Satan's hands'.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The last thing you want to do with a demon is pretend he isn't one.

"We took one child who seemed perfectly nice, but when we x-rayed him we got a very clear image of a snarling, two-headed devil-dog.

"When we showed him the x-rays he got very agitated and started speaking backwards in Aramaic before nicking my iPhone."

Dr Logan added: "The mother in The Exorcist tried to pretend her daughter was not a demon.

"The next thing you know there's a dead guy at the bottom of a flight of stairs with his head turned all the way round.

"I'm not saying your child is going to throw someone out of a window and then do unspeakably dirty things with a crucifix. But that doesn't mean they're not a mouthy little shit."