Britain To Become Bucket-Based Economy

BRITAIN is well on its way to becoming a largely bucket- based economy, it was claimed last night.

As Kentucky Fried Chicken announced 9000 new high- quality food shovelling jobs, ministers predict that by 2011, 82% of the country will be employed selling each other a variety of unpleasant things in a bucket.

Rival fast food chains are now developing their own versions of the bucket model. McDonald's is currently testing its Bucket of Beef'n'Cheese, while Pizza Hut is to throw the ingredients of a Pepperoni Feast into a cheese-lined bucket and give it a good shake.

Employment minister Martin Bishop said: "People do seem to enjoy taking things out of and putting things into buckets.

"Although at the moment it is mainly food and the regurgitated version of the same food.

"But we've also noticed an increase in the number of people who enjoy drinking coffee and soft drinks out of a bucket which they then leave on the pavement so that it can later be filled to the brim with tramp urine."

He added: "We'll also need thousands of new, high quality plastic buckets so that anyone not working for a food shovelling organisation will be able to pursue their primary economic activity of collecting things from skips and bins.

"And of course, if you have two good arms you can carry two buckets – one for your waste products and one for the bric a brac you collect from the bins which you'll then sell in order buy your daily bucket of deep fried chicken parts.

"I think everything is going to be just fine."

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Tediousness Of Climate Change Pundits Underestimated

THE ball-wrenching tediousness of climate change pundits is worse than previously thought, it has been claimed.

Experts believe the Intergovernmental Panel on Tiresome Climate Change Articles has drastically underestimated the rate at which people were becoming angrily bored by all this.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Previous computer models suggested someone like George Monbiot would only make you want to chew your own elbows off or stick your bum in a bucket of bees.

"But now all the data points towards Monbiot and Monbiot-fuelled activity forcing millions of people to leap from high buildings while battering themselves to death with a heavy frying pan all the way down, just to make sure."

Annoyed consumer Bill McKay said: "Let me think, how should I put this? Oh yes…WE FUCKING GET IT, OKAY?

"Yes, there's too much CO2 but until we stop burning great big lumps of stinking coal to make the electricity we need to read your boring shit on the internet, there's really not much else to be said about it.

"Range Rovers, easyJet, plastic bags, it's all very fascinating, but let's not allow ourselves to be distracted from the thousands of the gigantic power stations filled to the rafters with manky black stuff, shall we?"

Mr McKay added: "I don't suppose there's any chance we could burn you?"