Brown Demands New Bank To Destroy

GORDON Brown last night ordered his minions to fetch him a fresh bank.

The prime minister has grown bored in recent days and has told friends that only the comprehensive destruction of a great financial institution will banish his ennui.

A Downing Street source said: "Oh, how he does love to fuck-up a bank. It's the only thing getting him out of bed these days.

"He'll trudge into the office, gaze out of the window and ask, 'are there no new banks to destroy?'. And then we'll apologise and he'll look all sad and disappointed and his bottom lip will start to wobble. It breaks your heart.

"But oh, you should have seen him the other day when his Lloyds plan finally came off.

"We all gathered round the telly to watch the share price plummeting while the prime minister bounced up and down in his chair, clapping his hands and giggling."

The source added: "He's totally perplexed at how HSBC have come through all of this virtually unscathed and he really wants to see them suffer.

"He's talked about forcing them to buy RBS, the rotting, leftover bits of MFI and the old Rover plant at Longbridge and then sitting back and 'watching the fun'.

"And as for Barclays, well he really wants to wait until all of this is over and they think they're safe and then he's going to blow them to bits with a tank."

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Twelve Year-Olds Urged To Knock-Up Local Tart

DISGUSTING poor people across Britain were last night urging their 12 year-old sons to impregnate some local slapper.

This week thousands of young boys will be dragged away from their vodka bottles and told to find a willing slut who will get them all in the papers.

Angela Reeves, mother of 12 year-old Jason, said: "I've told him not to worry if his tart is already having sex with five other boys because that just means more stories, and more stories is more money. Innit?

"My eight year-old is still a bit young for actual shagging so I'm sticking him in an IVF programme. We'll need to use two grand of Jason's baby money, but you have to spend it to make it."

Dr Tom Logan, author of Freak Show Britain, said: "The freaks have finally worked out how to operate the machine. It's been a bit like watching a monkey teaching itself to drive.

"The newspapers know they are being exploited but they don't care because they also know how much we love to read about the jaw-dropping vileness of the freaks.

"And when we're not reading about children who are pregnant by other children or being kidnapped by their own mother, we do love to read the sordid details of how they are trying to make money out of it.
"I especially love it when the worthless, drug-addled father turns up out of the blue and starts hawking his child round Fleet Street. It's really quite Dickensian."

Dr Logan added: "Of course, there is a serious debate about how we tackle the underlying issues at the root of this problem. Personally, I'd sterilise anyone who lives in a house worth less than £130,000. Or do you think it should be higher?"

Meanwhile Alfie Patten, the 13 year-old star of the latest freak show, revealed he was taking a break from thrice-nightly sexual intercourse after discovering masturbation.

He added: "I don't want to miss out on an important part of my childhood."