Most Footballers Now Under Arrest

ONLY one in 10 professional footballers in England is not currently under arrest, the FA confirmed last night.

According to the latest figures the most popular offences are sexual assault, grievous bodily harm and speeding, with two players accused of committing all three simultaneously.

Officials have also warned that the remainder of this season's European fixtures are under threat as foreign travel will leave many of the players in breach of their bail conditions.

FA chief executive Brian Barwick said: "Most have handed their passports to the local nick and the rest won't get through the airport metal detectors on account of their ankle tags."

Barwick said he was now working with the Foreign Office and the US government in a bid to fly some of the players to the continent using the system of extraordinary rendition.

A spokesman for the Professional Footballers' Assocation said: "Our members are under intense media pressure and should not be victimised for what may or may not have happened with that broom handle round the back of Chinawhites."

Meanwhile the FA has devised a points system which will be used to fine clubs whose players are convicted. Nightclub affray will score one point, drink-driving three points and serious sexual assaults five points.

It is understood one top-flight club has asked for clarification after one of its players committed an act of gross indecency against a listed building while under the influence of Ketamine.

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Batman Urges Batwoman To Do It With Catwoman

BATMAN last night urged lesbian superhero Batwoman to do it with Catwoman.

The Caped Crusader has told his bat-colleague that he reckons the feline super-villain is also a lesbian or, at the very least, bat-curious.

He said: "It's really just a bat suggestion at this stage, but if they both like the idea then I'd be happy to let them use the bat cave.

"Yes, I will be there, but not in any official capacity. I imagine Albert and I will just be pottering about in the background, testing things and adjusting the knobs on our bat equipment.

"That said, if the girls did want me to watch them then I'm sure that would also be okay. And I do have my bat camcorder if anyone wanted me to make a bat souvenir video, for instance.

"And, again, just trying to help, but if they wanted to borrow my utility belt that's cool. There's some things on there which I've never actually used and I'd be fascinated to see what they do."

The Dark Knight added: "It's really just a professional get together with a nice bottle of cava, a Kylie Minogue CD and two women in very tight, leather one-piece costumes finding out exactly how much they have in common.

"And if the girls don't mind I'd also like to take a photo of them soaping each other and then beam it into the night sky above Gotham City. Very tasteful, nothing sleazy."