Most Footballers Now Under Arrest
ONLY one in 10 professional footballers in England is not currently under arrest, the FA confirmed last night.
According to the latest figures the most popular offences are sexual assault, grievous bodily harm and speeding, with two players accused of committing all three simultaneously.
Officials have also warned that the remainder of this season's European fixtures are under threat as foreign travel will leave many of the players in breach of their bail conditions.
FA chief executive Brian Barwick said: "Most have handed their passports to the local nick and the rest won't get through the airport metal detectors on account of their ankle tags."
Barwick said he was now working with the Foreign Office and the US government in a bid to fly some of the players to the continent using the system of extraordinary rendition.
A spokesman for the Professional Footballers' Assocation said: "Our members are under intense media pressure and should not be victimised for what may or may not have happened with that broom handle round the back of Chinawhites."
Meanwhile the FA has devised a points system which will be used to fine clubs whose players are convicted. Nightclub affray will score one point, drink-driving three points and serious sexual assaults five points.
It is understood one top-flight club has asked for clarification after one of its players committed an act of gross indecency against a listed building while under the influence of Ketamine.