British pride restored by grovelling to Japanese car company

PATRIOTS have hailed the government’s secret Nissan deal as proof that when it comes to allowing multinational businesses to behave as they please, Britain again leads the world.

Theresa May said, “This is a post-Brexit success story: a business based on British soil, creating British jobs for British workers, eating British-made sandwiches and breathing British air.

“The adoption of the pink Power Ranger uniform as mandatory for all residents of Sunderland is a gloriously British gesture of welcome to our Japanese friends, as is my personal promise that any shortfall in profits will be made up by good old British tax.

“This deal is proof, if it were needed, that Britain is in rude health. So much so that hospitals are frankly unnecessary.”

Endangered animals ‘guilty of poor financial planning’

THE loss of two-thirds of the earth’s wild animals in the next four years has been blamed on their refusal to earn and save money.

Animals from elephants to salamanders are expected to die out completely by 2020, which is widely supposed to be because they have not worked hard enough. 

Stephen Malley of Hitchin said: “Habitat being wiped out? Tough all over mate. 

“I got priced out of Walthamstow so I moved up here, started a Bargain Booze franchise, coining it. You’ve got to be adaptable. 

“But your gorillas just sit on their arses never thinking about where the next tract of primary rainforest is coming from.”

Primary school teacher Susan Traherne agreed: “Since 2008 I’ve been on a tracker mortgage for low interest, but now I’m on a fixed rate in case they go up. 

“The endangered Panamanian golden frog should take a leaf out of my book and plan for changing circumstances, or he’s got nobody but himself to blame.” 

Mountain gorilla Tom Logan said: “Fair enough, I made some mistakes, I’m holding my hands up.”