British Workers In Europe Decide Not To Go On Strike

BRITONS working in continental Europe have decided they will probably not strike in sympathy with their fellow countrymen.

British builders in Spain, Portugal, France and Italy said they would be forced to support EU employment directives as long as it meant they could work wherever they wanted to without having to pay tax.

Bill McKay, a bricklayer from Lincolnshire, said: "I firmly believe in British jobs for British workers. But I'm also a passionate supporter of something called Spanish jobs for British workers.

"In the past five years I've had Portuguese jobs, Italian jobs and even a couple of French jobs. None of the locals seemed to object. Then again I only know the foreign words for 'beer' and 'prostitute'."

The temporary employment of some Italians by a French oil company has led to a national outcry with many newspapers saying it must have something to do with the millions of Afghan scroungers clogging Britain's country roads in their state-funded Aston Martins.

Meanwhile prime minister Gordon Brown insisted his pledge of 'British jobs for British workers' had been misinterpreted, adding: "Essentially, what I was saying was that workers in Britain would be, err, working in a very British sense, resulting in well, you know, things, and that sort of stuff."

Business secretary Lord Mandelson has also reached out to the protesters saying he needs some people to serve canapés at a drinks party he is having next weekend.

He added: "Five pounds an hour, a fifteen minute break and you will of course be completely naked apart from a long, white apron and a bow tie."

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Millions Of Snowbound Workers About To Discover Jeremy Kyle

SNOWBOUND workers across Britain are today expected to encounter the Jeremy Kyle Show for the very first time.

As blizzards paralyse the nation's transport network experts say that by 1pm millions will find themselves inexorably drawn towards the ITV2 mutant horror cavalcade.

Tom Logan, a solicitor from Kent, said: "Not me, I'll be using my laptop to get on with some important work. Probably.

"And not that I'm remotely interested, but apparently today's show is about this bloke who's married to three sisters, two of them are his and four of the children are married to their own mothers. They're calling it 'Help! I Think My Mum is My Wife's Brother's Wife!'."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Many people are about to have their first glimpse at the grotesque, monkey-man hybrid that lurks in the dark heart of British society

"There will be two distinct effects. There will be those who watch it and are haunted by it every day for the rest of their lives but are somehow still able to function.

"And then there will be those who become instantly and catastrophically addicted and who will then give up their jobs and find themselves trapped in a chaotic downward spiral that will ultimately lead to an appearance on the Jeremy Kyle Show."

He added: "If you ask many of the failed monkey experiments that appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show where their lives started to go wrong, more than half say it was when they first started watching the Jeremy Kyle Show."