Britons embrace fake cycling holidays

THOUSANDS of Britons are hiring specialist image manipulators to simulate exotic cycling trips.

Fake bike holiday companies use advanced Photoshop techniques to create images of their clients riding in exotic and challenging locations.

Popular backdrops include Machu Picchu, the rim of Japan’s Sakurajima volcano and the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone.

Bond trader Stephen Malley said: “One fortnight a year when I get to relax, and I have to spend it peddling up a fucking mountain?

“LieRide Tours staged a daring one-man trek up the Amazon for me.

“They used body doubles for the photos, hacked Strava to simulate the correct mileage, and scripted a whole anecdote about fixing my brake cable with a particularly resilient vine.

“Meanwhile I was by the pool in Cancun, drunk and reading a Jo Nesbo.”

Susan Traherne of LieRide said: “Our culture of overachievement means that even on holiday we have to compete.

“Our pseudo-holidays let you lie back while we CGI a Vine of you ripping air tricks off the Giza Necropolis, and soon we plan to offer Mars’s Olympus Mons or through the Mines of Moria.

“Your friends with be too consumed by jealousy to consider whether a race of dwarves really dug a vast network of tunnels.”

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Scottish coffee actually lager

‘COFFEE’ served in Scottish cafes is actually high strength lager.

Researchers comparing different countries’ cafe cultures found that coffee in Scotland was fizzy with an average alcohol content of nine per cent.

Scientist Mary Fisher said: “It appears that 50 years ago the Scots renamed certain lagers as ‘coffee’ in an attempt to look sophisticated.

“Also they wanted beer to be considered an acceptable drink for breakfast and business meetings.”

Glasgow coffee house owner Tom Logan said: “I sell my coffee by the pint, or if you want to take it away you can have a four pack.

“You can tell the quality of the beans from the rich, amber colour.”