Call everyone 'boss': How to curry favour with the scary men at Halfords

HALFORDS can be intimidating for the sensitive, modern man who doesn’t know how to check his oil. Here’s how to ingratiate yourself with the frightening blokes who replace your headlights.

Call everyone ‘boss’

An easy way to win over the burly lads at Halfords is to jovially refer to them as ‘boss’, ‘pal’, ‘mate’ and, if you’re feeling adventurous, ‘bud’. This creates the illusion you’re one of them, not some anxious nerd who doesn’t know the first f**king thing about cars or masculinity.  

Identify the alpha male then repeatedly compliment them

You don’t need to please everyone to win the favour of a group. Simply target the alpha male and focus on them. Say something like ‘great work fitting those wipers, boss’. As your confidence increases, try ‘lovely biceps, pal’. Alternatively, give him a brief solo round of applause every time he changes a tyre or serves a customer.

Stay calm when asked to open your bonnet

At Halfords you may be asked to pop open your bonnet. Your natural impulse will be to let out a panicked, girlish shriek, humiliating yourself in front of the car men. Instead act like you open your bonnet all the time and definitely know where the release lever is. Then get in your car and frantically try to find it in less than five minutes.

Casually use words like ‘torque’ in conversation

You can’t earn the affection of the menfolk at Halfords without knowing a thing or two about cars. Luckily, it’s easy to pretend. All you need to do is drop words like ‘torque’ and ‘chassis’ into the conversation like you use them all the time. When they say something you don’t remotely understand, just smile and nod knowingly. 

Do a handbrake turn in the car park

If you’ve tried everything and still haven’t gained the respect of the Halfords lads, it’s time for drastic action. Blow their minds by hopping in your Fiat Panda and pulling off a jaw-dropping handbrake turn right in the middle of the car park. How hard can it be? Nail it, and you’ll be a legend for the rest of your days. Fail, and you’ll never be able to show your face in Halfords again. But who needs two headlights, anyway?

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Friday 13th and other superstitions you shouldn't believe if you're an adult

ONLY children and the religious believe in mysterious forces that control your destiny. If you’re a rational adult it’s time to grow up and accept these superstitions are laughable.

Friday 13th

Supposedly the unluckiest date, but how bad can a Friday be? Even if everything goes wrong and you fall down a hole it’s still Saturday tomorrow, meaning you get to lie in and do f**k all. Tuesdays, however, are the grimmest day of the week and they happen every seven days. Ward them off by sacrificing a goat. Or just pull a sickie.

Breaking a mirror

No, you will not be blighted with seven years of bad luck. You might have shards of glass embedded in your skin though, which is a much more pressing concern that can be blamed on physics. If you want genuine misfortune for seven years, get a black mark on your credit rating then try to buy a house. 

Knocking on wood

Wood is good for making coffee tables and fuelling fires. It is less capable of protecting you from the evil intent of the cosmos. Giving wood a light rap as you outline your plans will make bugger all difference to the result and carries the risk of giving you a splinter, which would be considered unlucky if luck existed.

Walking under a ladder

Is walking under a ladder unlucky, or an inherently stupid thing to do? It’s the latter. But people who believe in crystals and take star signs seriously like to imagine that ladders are a malevolent force hell-bent on bringing catastrophe. Rational adults on the other hand believe in falling paint cans and trowels.

Getting shat on by a bird

How is a bird taking a dump on your head a good thing? The only positive side effect is it gives other people something to laugh at, but that doesn’t help you as you frantically try to wipe it off. Even if you buy a winning lottery ticket shortly after getting shat on, that can be chalked up to something called ‘coincidence’.