Carillion directors nicking loads of stuff from abandoned building sites

THE directors of Carillion are half-inching as much gear as they can from the company’s abandoned projects, it has emerged.

The directors have been sneaking onto building sites in the early hours and helping themselves to wheelbarrows, cement mixers and Thermos flasks that were accidentally left behind by sub-contractors.

The gear is then loaded into a V-reg Transit they stole from a pub car park in Derby last Sunday night.

It is understood they are selling the equipment to a dodgy bastard in Luton who pays them in cash which is then deposited with a particularly helpful bank before ‘going on holiday’ to the Cayman Islands.

A source said: “These guys are proper PFI geezers. They would not be able to live with themselves if they knew there was something worth more than five quid that they hadn’t nicked.”

The source added: “They don’t like to get their hands too dirty, so they’ve got this big fucker called Lee from Doncaster to do all the heavy lifting.

“He’s actually not a bad lad and will almost certainly be the only one who gets caught.”

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Smell of weed on local bus particularly strong today

THE odour of high-strength cannabis on a local bus was especially pungent this morning, it has been confirmed.

According to passengers boarding the bus, the forceful stench of skunk was immediately palpable to all.

Passenger Tom Logan said: “Most days you get a faint whiff, but today it was a proper funk. We opened the windows but it just wouldn’t go away. I was actually starting to feel a bit weird.

“We mentioned it to the driver and to our enormous surprise he stressed that it was not his problem. He was so utterly charming.”

Wayne Hayes, a pale, wiry young man sitting on the top floor of the bus, added: “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I can’t smell it at all.

“Do you want to buy some?”