Christmas jumpers make being fired such jolly fun

A JUNIOR accountant’s disciplinary proceedings were full of festive cheer because everyone involved was wearing a Christmas jumper.

An air of yuletide glee livened the 20-minute hearing in Conference Room C, decorated with a fibreoptic Christmas tree, as allegations of gross misconduct were outlined by a senior manager wearing a red-and-white jumper with Santa on it.

Stephen Malley said: “I was a bit worried that the significant blow this represents to my career might make it a bit of a sombre occasion.

“But I couldn’t help smiling as I was told my contract was terminated, effective immediately, because my supervisor’s holly sprig earrings were flashing red and green.

“And as the security guard arrived to escort me off the premises his socks began playing We Wish You A Merry Christmas, which kept me chuckling as I emptied the contents of my desk into a cardboard box.”

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Farage and Brand wake up in each other’s bodies

NIGEL Farage and Russell Brand have mysteriously swapped bodies after last night’s Question Time.

Always wondered how he would look with a proper haircut

Farage was surprised to wake up in a rotating, circular bed surrounded by dozing beauties while Brand regained consciousness in a wing-backed leather armchair opposite an oil painting of Lord Mountbatten.

The switch has been suggested as karma, a cosmic joke or simply the reflex action of two minds frantically trying to escape the emptiness of their own lives.

An observer said: “Farage and Brand both began the day ransacking their residences for the malt whisky and blowjob they respectively needed to get them going.

“But soon they saw the advantages. Farage recorded a YouTube video exhorting his followers to vote UKIP to ‘bedazzle and discombobulate the establishment’, ruined only when he kept consulting a thesaurus.

“And Russell Brand spent all morning wearing a blazer in front of a mirror, forbidden xenophobia dripping deliciously from his lips.

“By the end, Russell found out that even his most unhinged imaginings paled by comparison to the average UKIP candidate.

“And Nigel’s insecurities melted away when he realised he was only afraid of Europe because he wanted to have sex with it.”

The incident follows a bodyswap between David Cameron and Ed Miliband earlier in the year, which neither man noticed.