Cocaine use in restaurant trade possibly linked to idiotic food and ludicrous prices, say experts

A HIGH level of cocaine use in upmarket restaurants may explain why the dishes all sound idiotic and the prices are insane.

As chef Gordon Ramsay claimed use of the drug was ‘rife’, experts said most of the restaurants’ customers were on cocaine as well.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “If you order something that combines pig’s liver foam and loganberry semolina for thirty-two quid, then you and everyone else involved have taken a lot of drugs.

“You could deny it, but that’s exactly what you would do if you were addicted to cocaine. You’re a shiny mess and you’ll eat anything as long as it’s expensive.

“Meanwhile, the people in the kitchen are throwing random ingredients into a frying pan while cackling like maniacs. You’re lucky they’re not charging you thirty-two quid for a little pile of Blu Tack drenched in nail varnish.”

He added: “As a heavy user of prescription painkillers I only go to restaurants run by fellow my Tramadol enthusiasts. It’s usually just a bowl of spaghetti hoops, but it is only 30p.”

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Man realises all the women in his life would have been condemned as witches 500 years ago

A MAN has realised the women in his life would once have been considered witches due to their belief in herbs, the power of cats and having a ‘sixth sense’ about things.

Martin Bishop came to the conclusion after his friend, Emma, recommended he try a new herbal tea that she had ‘concocted’ from other herbal teas.

He said, “After that I got a phone call from my mum saying one of her six cats had gone missing last night.

“It was the black one which always hisses at my cousin who is really into Nu Metal.

“Then I called my sister to tell her about it and she said that she’d had a ‘very strong feeling’ that I was going to call her today.”

He added: “I mentioned to my colleague, Anne, that I had a bad back and she sent me a load of links about chiropractors. She may as well have a steaming cauldron next to her desk.

“Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change them for the world, but they would all have been for the ducking stool in the early 17th Century.”

Bishop’s friend, Emma Bradford, said: “I was going to invite him to my regular Tuesday night Satanic orgy. The leisure centre advertises it as ‘hot yoga’.”