Cockney economists confirm national debt is 353 billion monkeys

EAST End economists have warned that the UK’s debt stands at 353bn monkeys, or 176.5bn bags of sand. 

The financial analysts born within earshot of Bow Bells have gone on to forecast that unless immediate action is taken then the country’s future is in a right two-and-eight.

Martin Bishop of Whitechapel said: “It’s going up by a bullseye a second. That’s right out of order.

“There are mugs out here getting not much more than a deep sea diver an hour for knocking themselves out. And the government ain’t got a scooby doo.

“They want to get the average wage up to at least a pony if they’re going to stimulate the economy or this country’ll be coals and coke and short of a sheet. Alright?”

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Darth Vader 'was just vaping'

DARTH Vader’s harsh respiratory sounds were caused by vaping Blueberry Ice, according to a new documentary. 

The Sith Lord was thought to have damaged his lungs on a volcano planet in one of the films nobody likes to think about, but admitted that actually the noise was from his box mod.

He continued: “Remember when I arrived on that Rebel spaceship in a massive cloud of smoke. I’d just had a big old vape on the shuttle up, because I was nervous about meeting Princess Leia.

“I’d quit the fags because Grand Moff Tarkin had made the Death Star a no smoking area, just to spite me basically, so I switched to vaping and I’ve never looked back. It’s far heathier.

“I got the box installed on my chest, because I once confused my vape and my lightsaber and that’s a mistake you don’t want to make twice, and the different buttons are different flavours.

“That’s Lemon Sherbert, that’s Cherry Cola, that’s American Lites Tobacco and the one on the right’s Strawberry Cheesecake. That one’s disgusting actually.

“Emperor Palpatine? Smokes a pipe. But he’s never seen doing it in the actual films, because he knows he’s a role model to kids.”