'Glasgow Kiss' gets Protected Designation of Origin status

A HEADBUTT to the face can now only be termed a ‘Glasgow Kiss’ if it is administered within five miles of the city’s centre, according to new rules. 

The popular method of Saturday night assault has been awarded Protected Designation of Origin status by the EU due to its historical importance and because a drunk man aggressively demanded it.

A spokesman for VisitScotland said: “Like Melton Mowbray and the pork pie, or Champagne and its champagne, Glasgow has given the world something special.

“The Glasgow Kiss is famous in late-night hostelries throughout the world, but its success means that puny headbutts that don’t even break bone are being called Glasgow Kisses and diluting the brand.

“Only within the city boundary can sticking the nut in be referred to as a Glasgow Kiss.

“Anyone infringing this will hear from our ‘legal team’, who will be totally steamin’ on JD and coke. Now get to fuck.”

The ruling has led to a surge in non-food PDO applications, including one on behalf of the mysteriously named but apparently devastating ‘Plymouth Lollipop’.

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Anyone described as having a 'heart of gold' is a rough, scary f**ker

ANYONE described as having a ‘heart of gold’ is always terrifyingly rough, it has emerged. 

The phrase is used exclusively to describe those who give every appearance of being intimidating bastards who would punch you as soon as look at you.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “You’d never say ‘she’s got a heart of gold’ about a kindly-eyed 55-year-old woman with a gentle smile, because everyone safely assumes it.

“It’s something we reserve for massive bikers with missing teeth who yes, would stomp the fuck out of you for saying the wrong thing but might also help an abandoned kitten.

“If a friend tells you ‘you’ll like Janine, she’s got a heart of gold’ expect to meet a woman whose meaty forearms are covered in tattoos, who is known to the police and who will threaten to glass strangers, but was good to your mate once when she got dumped.

“You might as well say ‘Dave is largely the frightening man prone to violent outbursts he appears to be, but occasionally hints at the possibility of being nice.’”

Wayne Hayes of Middlesbrough said: “I’ve got a heart of gold. Take any liberties with it, you’re fucking dead.”