‘Glasgow Kiss’ gets Protected Designation of Origin status

A HEADBUTT to the face can now only be termed a ‘Glasgow Kiss’ if it is administered within five miles of the city’s centre, according to new rules. 

The popular method of Saturday night assault has been awarded Protected Designation of Origin status by the EU due to its historical importance and because a drunk man aggressively demanded it.

A spokesman for VisitScotland said: “Like Melton Mowbray and the pork pie, or Champagne and its champagne, Glasgow has given the world something special.

“The Glasgow Kiss is famous in late-night hostelries throughout the world, but its success means that puny headbutts that don’t even break bone are being called Glasgow Kisses and diluting the brand.

“Only within the city boundary can sticking the nut in be referred to as a Glasgow Kiss.

“Anyone infringing this will hear from our ‘legal team’, who will be totally steamin’ on JD and coke. Now get to fuck.”

The ruling has led to a surge in non-food PDO applications, including one on behalf of the mysteriously named but apparently devastating ‘Plymouth Lollipop’.