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Coffee brand debating whether to promote ethics or Satanism

A COFFEE chain is assessing whether customers would prefer to support ethical causes or the pure evil of the dark lord Satan.

The company Napoli Deliziosa is unsure whether sales would be boosted by customers being able to show off social justice logos on their coffee cups, or if they would prefer disturbing occult symbols suggesting an interest in Devil worship and possibly human sacrifice.

CEO Jack Browne said: “Helping reformed prisoners or destitute farmers in Kenya is a good thing to do. But on the other hand, pledging your allegiance to Lucifer is quite ‘edgy’ and marketable.

“We really want to get influencers on board to help us sell cheap dad caps and other junk, so we need cool logos everywhere, not just the boring Fairtrade one. And people go mad for pentagrams.

“Virality is key to brand marketing, and green stuff like sustainability is good for that. But would it increase revenues more to have shocking pull-quotes from Anton LaVey on the walls? ‘Release your hatred towards those who deserve it’ is a favourite of mine.

“Obviously good coffee is our aim, but modern customers don’t care about that and just want to feel part of some trendy philosophy. Also it will be piss-easy to make our blueberry muffins totally black with food dye.

“I’m feeling a goat-headed demon burning busty virgins is definitely more striking than an abundant tree. Let’s go for that.”

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Frisbee, picnic rug, disposable barbecue: Six land-grabbing methods used by bastards in the park

OFF to the park to enjoy the weather, only to discover people have claimed all the space because they’re more important than you? Here are their devious methods:

Frisbee

Friends tossing a frisbee to each other is an iconic summer image. Only no one can enjoy the park because their erratic hurling and mindless labrador-like chasing puts park space off-limits unless you want to be trampled or twatted by an out-of-control Tupperware saucer. If you want to throw something, try yourselves into the boating lake.

Picnic rug

You’ve seen a nice spot of grass to sit on, but an extended family of professional picnickers suddenly spreads out the Bayeux Tapestry of rugs for an extravagant open-air banquet. With hampers, cool boxes, folding furniture and a gazebo encircling the feast, half an acre of parkland has been annexed. Why not plant a f**king flag and claim sovereignty, your majesties?

Disposable barbecue

On a nice day it’s refreshing to inhale the warm invigorating air, unless a crew of carnivores plant their stinking foil fire-pit next to you. Soon everyone nearby will be driven away by the stench of smoke, grease and charred, minced pig bollocks. And the only way to remove the odour is rubbing yourselves down with the Magic Tree from the car.

Sporting equipment

The easiest way for bastards to ringfence parkland for their own selfish needs is to hoof a football around. As makeshift goalposts are put in place, parkgoers will automatically begin protecting open cans, bottles and children. This also works with rounders, cricket and the magic-free version of Quidditch Harry Potter fans have invented, because when you’re into children’s books aged 35 presumably you are beyond embarrassment.

Kite

As well as being fun until you get sick of relaunching the damn thing every 30 seconds, a kite has the bonus of attracting attention to yourself as other people stare nervously in anticipation of being divebombed by a huge cellophane flying-V or a picture of the Hulk on massive struts. Delightful in theory, in practice a more effective people-scatterer than a Stuka. 

Anything from the middle aisle

Many twatty middle-aisle toys help bastards carve out a large slice of ego territory. Remote-control cars, water blasters, boomerangs and drones are particularly suitable for making others lose enjoyment of the park. Although the most effective tactic is still parading into green space with multiple special-offer boxes of Stella Artois and Bluetooth speakers, soon to be followed by frequently wandering off to piss nearby. Job done.

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