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It's over for Starmer, declares media without explaining how

THE media has stated that Keir Starmer’s time as prime minister is over, but without explaining exactly why or how that is to happen.

Journalists are unanimous in their belief that the UK will shortly have a new leader without bothering to explain who will depose the current one or who his replacement will be.

Columnist Thomas Logan said: “He’s lost the public. He’s lost the member for Hartlepool. One of his cabinet has anonymously briefed something slightly disparaging. And you doubt it’s over?

“Yes, there remain some questions. Why has he got to go, given that Olly Robbins backed up his whole story? Who’s going to do it, given that only 0.25 per cent of his MPs want him to? Are we in the media not getting a bit overexcited?

“The answers to which are: not sure, that isn’t really clear, and absolutely not. And if you doubt that last one, check with any of my colleagues.”

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Thing is, we’ve seen three prime ministers deposed in the last decade and every time it’s been f**king obvious. Unable to pass legislation, party in open revolt, successors jostling for their role, all that shit.

“We haven’t got any of that, the reason he has to go has changed since Monday, and he’s got a massive majority. I’m just not quite seeing it. Still, I feel like Iran’s going badly when Trump assures me he’s won in every way possible, so what would I know?”

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Connoisseur dad searching out only the finest AI bullshit internet can offer

A FATHER of refined tastes watches only the cream of awful AI videos spewed out by social media, it has emerged.

The viewing habits of 58-year-old Roy Hobbs are so finely attuned that he only seeks out worthwhile content like the Queen riding a dragon and trailers showing what Star Wars would look like if it came out in the 1950s.

Hobbs said: “That convincing Antiques Roadshow parody with the Victorian butt plug was too lowbrow for me. I refuse to watch anything except the highest quality brain rot.

“I need to see what it would look like if Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon were still alive today, and disco-dancing down a street. Even better if there’s a robotic voice that almost sounds like a human woman narrating. So long as it stops me thinking, it gets a thumbs up.

“It might sound snobbish, but every medium needs its respected critics. In time I expect I’ll be regarded as the Mark Kermode of boomer slop, and filmmakers will pore over the poorly-spelled reviews I leave in the comments.

“Finding this shit is hard work though. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve lost scrolling through clips on public transport with my phone’s speakers turned up to maximum.”

Hobbs’ son Tom said: “He’s just a contrarian. If I’d said those clips were made by David Lynch he’d call it pretentious arthouse bollocks.”

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