Coffee round so complicated it requires a specialist

A CITY accountancy firm has advertised for a trained specialist to deal with its daily coffee round.

The process of remembering who takes milk, soy milk, skimmed milk or cream has become so complicated that the position has been opened to anyone with a BSc in applied mathematics for an initial £78,000 a year plus bonuses.

Recruitment manager Stephen Malley said: “The coffee co-ordinator needs to be capable of turning round a tight order under pressure, of remembering that the risk analysts take cinnamon sprinkles and the audit manager needs a chai tea latte, not just a chai tea.

“We’d get the interns to do it, but they’re so stupid they can’t tell the difference between Kenyan and Eritrean beans.”

Coffee consultant Tom Logan said: “This is a fast growing sector. Last year alone 1,000 new wanky ways to order a coffee were invented.

“Remembering them all is tough, but the key to being successful is that nobody has a clue what they taste like and they’re too busy to drink them anyway.

“Sometimes I bring warm milk and nobody notices.”