Child poverty was invented for Oliver! says IDS

CHILD poverty was created by Lionel Bart for the 1968 musical Oliver!, the work and pensions secretary has claimed. 

Following the scrapping of child poverty yesterday, Iain Duncan Smith explained that any children seen wandering the streets in ragged trousers were merely lost extras who had wandered off-set.

He continued: “This captivating musical has cast such a spell over the British public that they fondly imagine they see child poverty in the streets, in alleyways and even in their own homes.

“These are merely flashbacks to that memorable musical and no more real than the outrageous fantasias of The Rocky Horror Show and Starlight Express.

“Also, those were not children but highly-paid dwarves who make £200,000 each every pantomime season, who deserve not a penny of your hard-earned money.”

When informed that Oliver! was based on a Charles Dickens novel about the harsh lives of the urban poor in Victorian London, IDS replied that there was no such writer and no such place. 

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Ask Holly: Should I have her sacked, stop her benefits or both?

Dear Holly,

I’ve had a thing going on with a young honey in my local Asda. She’s quite sexy in a working class sort of way, and her lime green fleece really brings out her eyes. I always make a bee-line for her till when I go shopping, relishing the opportunity to give her a smouldering look down my nose as she is ringing my items through the till like my own personal lady-slave. But now our clandestine romance is ruined. My card was declined in error and my beloved serving wench witnessed the whole thing. She must be sniggering about the whole thing with her checkout cronies. Should I have her sacked or stop her benefits or both?



Dear Iain,

Embarrassment caused by getting your card declined pales into insignificance when compared to the immediate and irreversible social death that occurs when you invite your friends to a sleepover on the night that your dad drinks six Magners and tries to show you all how to dance to the Kaiser Chiefs. The only option is to never leave the house ever again.

Hope that helps,