Sacked Pearson swears revenge on ostriches

AXED Leicester City manager Nigel Pearson has blamed a “shadowy ostrich cabal” for his dismissal.

Pearson won plaudits for keeping Leicester in the Premier League last season, but continually insisted that he was being undermined from within by a hostile ostrich faction.

The club parted company with Pearson on Tuesday, in a move the 51-year old insisted “had ostrich prints all over it.”

Pearson said: “All year, we’ve been thwarted by their sinister, feathery intrigues. We’ve had to play every match against eleven men, plus the referee, plus a malevolent group of large, flightless birds.”

Pearson added that he had proof that an ostrich, or team of ostriches, had pulled the strings to get him fired, claiming that only the Struthio camelus was able to manipulate the Leicester board into axing him thanks to its natural avian cunning.

Wayne Hayes, an ostrich, said: “Nigel Pearson was sacked because he fought with the owners, insulted fans, and constantly made ludicrous allegations about Machiavellian ostriches.

“His well-publicised love of exotic eggs, ostrich leather shoes, and black and white feather dusters had nothing whatsoever to do with it.”

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London to have its own national anthem

LONDON is to have its own national anthem to mark its status as an entirely separate place from England.

It is hoped the anthem will stem the mass exodus from the city to obscure parts of Wales, prompted by recent newspaper opinion pieces.

Norman Steele, chairman of the Anthem For London Committee, said: “We want a National Anthem whose verses celebrate all that London has to offer.

“Its menus that say ‘4.5’ instead of £4.50 for something that should actually cost £1.50; its diversity of colourful estate agents and the fact that you can drive for a full hour out of the city before you see a cow.”

An initial attempt at an anthem features Dizzee Rascal rapping about postcodes over an arrangement of Vaughan Williams’ The Lark Ascending.

Steele added: “Like London, Mr Rascal’s anthem was bold, discordant and deeply inhumane. Perfect.”