Could we run the prison if we called ourselves a business? ask prisoners

INMATES at HMP Birmingham have asked if they could continue running the prison if they called themselves L4G. 

Tom Booker, a prisoner with experience of running an international cocaine business, told the home secretary that he has twice as much business expertise as anyone at G4S and could deliver record profits. 

He said: “We’ll form a board, incorporate, submit a bid that’s loads lower than anyone else’s and threaten to sue if you turn it down. We’ll even have a proper logo and everything, there’s a guy on D wing who did graphics before he got into arson.

“After that we can enforce our monopoly, treble drug prices, start manufacturing Es and getting the lads doing some contracting burglaries and car thefts outside. Bish bash bosh. Two million a year, easy.” 

Home secretary Sajid Javid said: “We were going to take the prison off G4S, fix it and then give it them back as a punishment, but this sounds much better.

“After all, it would be criminal to let the prison remain in the public sector.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Small birds 'need to lay off the carbs'

BIRDS would be a lot better at flying if they lay off the carbs, it has been claimed.

Ornithologist Nikki Hollis: “Let’s be honest, most birds are not in shape. Your average small bird looks like a tennis ball on two matchsticks, and although they claim otherwise it isn’t natural.

“If a sparrow ate less bread and did a bit of cardio it would look just like a small eagle, with abs and everything, and it could fly to Africa in 28 minutes.”

However sparrow Roy Hobbs said: “I’m a bird so I don’t really give a fuck. Unlike you humans I do not have a ridiculous obsession with my body fat ratio. Plus I’m non-migratory, so as long as I can get up in a tree who cares?

“I had a massive worm today and later I’m going to splash around in a small puddle that has formed on the roof of a garage.

“Anyway enjoy the office, twats.”