New father awakes with ability to pack car boot perfectly

A NEW father has awoken with the ability to pack a car boot perfectly.

Stephen Malley, 37, attended the birth of his first child the previous day and later that night entered a deep sleep.

Malley explained “You know that bit in The Matrix where Keanu Reeves has Kung-fu downloaded in his brain? When I woke up I was like ‘I know car boots’.”

He added: “It’s a very strong feeling. Possibly the only stronger feeling I have is the sense that I must be the only one to pack the car boot. If anyone else tries, I genuinely fear I might hurt them.

“I can’t believe what an idiot I was. I used to not worry if I started putting soft bits in first.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s definitely something supernatural and definitely not someone who has been demoted to third most important person in his family, desperately clinging onto authority over something, anything.”

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'Property developers' actually just bastards

A COUPLE who describe themselves ‘property developers’ are actually just soulless bastards obsessed with money.

Wayne and Maggie Hayes talk about their ‘portfolio’ and ‘stunning new projects’ as if they are members of a legitimate profession instead of being talentless greedy arseholes who constantly push the boundaries of legality.

Wayne Hayes said: “People think property development is a piece of piss, but you have to do clever stuff like proving why your block of flats can’t include any affordable housing even though they’re £500k each but look like shitty Travelodge rooms. Lying is a skill just like brain surgery.”

Maggie Hayes said: “Property developers don’t get the respect they deserve compared to easier jobs like being a nurse or a physicist.

“I’d like to see a nurse get planning permission for a stunning new block of aspirational flats on a council estate. You have to buy local councillors grilled lobster and promise to create a ‘community forest’ which is actually just a shrub.

“Also sometimes you have to wear a hard hat.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Even if they have an office and a fancy logo, being a property developer isn’t a proper job any more than being an arsehole is.

“Of course not all property developers are grasping shitbags. Some are grim avaricious twats.”